Sunday, March 30, 2008

AL West Preview


(Editor's Note: it should be obvious by the linguistic style, but I'll say it anyway. This was written by the fabulous Lizzy from the venerable and all-too-powerful Babes Love Baseball blog. She's grand for doing this on such short notice.)

Yeah, it's time again. The Baseball season is ALREADY FUCKING HERE, so we're previewing the whole shebangs the only way we know how: by making shit up. Today is the AL West, aka, the division with only four teams, proving I am probably the laziest sack of shit blogger on the planet. Yeah, fuck off. Although a friend of mine had a fantastic reaction when I told him I was writing this.
"The American League has a west division?"
And this year, for the first time ever, the American League West is going to rule the roost of the American League. Eric Bedard, Ichiro Suzuki, Felix Hernandez, Vladimir Guerrero and Felix Hernandez have formed a coalition during the offseason to annex the bloody fuck out of the American League East.
The plan is simple. Lure the east superstars out of their homes and into a shed, where they will be forced to play Joel Zumaya in Guitar Hero until they have carpel tunnel. Carpel tunnel of incredibly painful proportions; like after a 13-year-old boy discovers xtube.com. (Editor's note: I prefer redtube, myself) This shed will be located in an AL West city, aka the most depressing city in the entire United States, Seattle.

First on the list is none other than the American League's biggest star, Alex Rodriguez. Now, since Barry Zito owes Oakland/all of humanity at least 76 favors (see brilliant post below by Phony Gwynn) after he signed that asinine contract with San Fransisco, Barry will have the privilege of donning a blonde wig and a Gucci minidress and hanging around outside the Yankee locker room after the third home game of the season. Mesmerized by Zito's curvaceous, soft and hairy calves and firm, round posterior A-RAH will then taken from the rear by Mike Piazza (tee hee), have a chloroform covered banana shoved down his throat, and thrown on a plane to Chateau Zumaya.

Derek Jeter would naturally follow, as upon seeing his butt-buddy in peril, and since he's too dumb to know any better he'd just faint at the sight of A-RAH with another 'woman' and have his body thrown on the same plane.

Who's next? Manny 'being Manny' Ramirez. How is that going to be done? Shiny spinning rims. A couple of cherry flavored blow pops, three serious bong rips, 12 White Castle sliders and the promise of a trip to Lego Land. Very simple.

Vlad plans to take down David Ortiz in the battle of "really dude, I'm the best fuckin Dominican DH in baseball." Luring Ortiz into a room filled with mango salsa and blonde women with huge tits, Vlad the Impaler will then take down Big Papi with an ether soaked rag up the nostrils. Off to casa de Zumaya, bitch!

King Felix will bust out a Nancy Kerrigan knee whack on Josh Beckett. And guess what? I did mention Eric Bedard would be part of this, but he's just going to stand around and watch, because HE'S A TOTAL PUSSIFIED ASSHOLE.

Suck it, American League East! Where would you be without your bong-hitting homerun hitters, your loud-mouthed owners and pitchers, and your tranny-chasing 3rd basemen. The WEST COAST PLAYAS ARE TAKING OVER! PUFF DADDY IS TAP DANCING, PENIS SMOKING FRIEND OF DOROTHY.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the Pacific Ocean of the United States of America will win this division. And it won't even be close. Sorry, Seattle.

1 comment:

John said...

QUITE FRANKLY, THIS IS THE GREATEST DIVISIONAL PREVIEW I HAVE EVER READ! SEATTLE WILL WIN THE WILD CARD BY DEFEATING ME IN A CHEEZY DOODLE EATING CONTEST!