Thursday, April 01, 2010

A Snuggie Previews the American League West

You know when you're laying on your couch, watching TV, and you have your laptop on your stomach? You're updating your facebook status, or shopping for Faith No More t-shirts on ebay, or whatever. Then you flip to Comedy Central and Bachelor Party is on, and then - BAM! - random erection?

Oh, did I mention it's kind of cold in your apartment? And you're trying to cover yourself with that multicolored Mexican blanket you inherited in college when Andy left for the Peace Corps?

It won't work. No access. The laptop's sliding all over thanks to the low-level Richter-scale rumblings going on, you can't adequately keep both your legs and torso/arms warm ... it's a mess.

That's why you need me.

Snuggie, bitches.

4. Oakland A's - I've got a problem with sheets. Namely, how the fuck do you fold those things? Christ Almighty. You're supposed to pull the corners in or something, but that shit never works. You just end up folding it over and over itself, like a croissant. Awful. Why not wear a Snuggie to bed? But I've also got a problem with Ben Sheets. It's not his name, though - it's perfect. He's a ghost of his former self! I do like Jack Cust, however. He swings and misses so much a cool, cool breeze eminates from his whiffs. And what do you need when it's chilly? That's right - Snuggie!

Record: 75-87

3. Texas Rangers - Have you ever been up all night, doing rails of coke, smoking cigarette after cigarette after cigarette while forcing down a lukewarm PBR and bitching about your stubborn-ass sister who won't leave that jackass that treats her like shit, only to somehow segue into how the Lord of the Rings trilogy is great to watch in parts but not all in row, before finally trying to fix that goddamn wobbly leg on the coffee table? And then you wake up on the recliner, cold and shivering? Better get a Snuggie, motherfucker. Call me, Ron. We'll talk.

Record: 79-83

2. Anaheim Angels - Torii Hunter got into a lot of hot water recently after saying that Latin American players were "impostors" and not really African-American. I feel you, Torii. I really do. Ever heard of the Slanket? I bet you have. Those wannabe cocksuckers. More like the Skanket, amiright? Huh? In all seriousness, though, we've bought all the lighter fluid in the Tri-County area, and we're armed with more matches than a fraternity bathroom. We're coming, Slanket. Get ready.

Record: 84-78

1. Seattle Mariners - With the acquisition of lefty Cliff Lee, the Mariners have what could be the best 1-2 punch in the game at the top of their rotation. But who is the defacto #1? Felix Hernandez, AKA King Felix. And who would look more regal in a Snuggie than a fucking king? That's right - flowing robes in the team's colors, leaving the arms free to throw backdoor 0-2 breaking balls on the outside corner at the knees ... just beautiful. The only person who would be more befitting of donning a team Snuggie would be a two-time reigning Cy Young winner.

Oh? Shit.

Record: 87-75
Loss in ALDS

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