Stephen Tobolowsky Previews the National League East

I was having lunch with Sam Trammell the other day - we're in an upcoming movie together - when I asked him what it was like to play a character who could transform into anything. He took a bite of his salmon croquette, swallowed, and looked at me and said, "You should know, Steve. You're the ultimate transformer."

Oh, that Sam. Such a devilishly handsome rogue.

5. Washington Nationals - I hear they've got their own Stephen, a young man named Strasburg who can really bring it. But they probably won't have him up in the big leagues this year. Kind of like when I played Ranger Steve Neely in Spike Jonze's Adaptation. My scenes were cut from the final film. But oh, boy - Meryl, Nic Cage, Chris Cooper. What a roster! Not like the Nationals' which, minus Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman, is poopy.

Record: 68-94

4. Florida Marlins - Despite some quality talent (Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla, Josh Johnson) the Florida Marlins routinely play in front of thousands of empty seats. Kind of like when my movie Mr. Magoo opened. Pee-eww! That movie forever answered the question, "What would a nuclear bomb made out of celluloid look like?"

Record: 79-83

3. New York Mets - Oh, those Metropolitans. A lot of money. Some decent talent. Problems, injuries, and middling results. Reminds of a movie I was in once, have you seen it? The Glimmer Man? No, you haven't seen it. I fired my agent after it made back less than half its budget. Of course, I hired him back a few days later and he's still my agent to this day. But for about 48 hours or so there, ol' Sammy was sweating!

Record: 84-78

2. Atlanta Braves - Good lord, have you seen this Jason Heyward?!? Heavens to Betsy, what an Adonis! He's like a building with arms. His spring has been a revelation, just like Guy Pearce in Memento. Powerful, powerful stuff. Gut-wrenching. And let me tell you something - I was in that movie, and to this day I still can't follow it! Let's hope the Braves don't play their season in reverse.

Record: 89-73
Wild Card; loss in NLCS


1. Philadelphia Phillies - The Phillies let Cliff Lee go, but they picked up Roy Halladay. For about six or seven years he's been arguably the best pitcher in baseball, and that was in the American League East, the best division in the best league. Those lineups he regularly faced? Hoo boy! Brutal. Now he'll get to pitch against the Nationals, and other awful offensive teams like the Padres and Giants. That's a prescription for success! Speaking of "Doc" Halladay stealing the show, how about that Val Kilmer in Tombstone? Amazing. I wasn't in that one. I was in Deadwood, though.

Record: 93-69
3rd straight NL pennant; loss in World Series

NL East Preview

Yeah, it's time again. The Baseball season is ALREADY FUCKING HERE, so we're previewing the whole shebangs the only way we know how: by making shit up. Today is the NL East, brought to you by Will aka billyfabs, writer of the Mets-centric Smear The Queer, a Kristeva-influenced moniker befitting rabid sports homerism and athlete-desiring homoism. (Ed. note, billyfabs is the reason to wake up in the morning... seriously.)

New York Mets-- Yeah, like I was really going to predict anything less than this. So they ended last season by choking harder than Pierce Brosnan in Mrs. Doubtfire, so what?! (Didn't that shrimp still look delicious? I love shrimp.) They went and got Johan Santana, who will win 20 games and hit seven home runs and cure cancer and buy you a dog (or parakeet, if you're allergic and/or totally lame). Pedro Martinez will ask to borrow your parakeet for, uhhhmm, no reason. John Maine will continue to be the only white boy in the rotation, as well as the most under-appreciated (ban affirmative action! No, not really. I'm brown). Sometime in May, El Duque will have finally found enough caulk and spirit gum and rubber bands to put together a body currently ailing of bunions, cavities, migraines, dead arm, hangnails, menopause, gout, and scurvy to emerge as the Mets' most effective starter until he goes down in August due to a bee sting. He bequeathes his rubber bands, et al to Moises Alou. Finally, David Wright will cause another seven thousand men to question their sexuality. Record: 97-65, World Series.

Philadelphia Phillies-- Pedro Feliz is one happy peter to not be playing for the Giants anymore. Lamentably, Philadelphians will not shower his performances with anything approaching brotherly love. Jimmy Rollins will field more grounders with his big mouth than his glove, while newly-minted starter Brett Myers will hit more Mets in the head than he does his wife [/obligatory]. Seriously these guys began spring training talking about starting a brawl with the Mets. Just because Rocky's from your town doesn't mean Carl Weathers still won't own your ass, guys (and yes, I am aware that I am comparing the Mets to Carl Weathers. Baby, they got a stew goin'). You stay classy, Philly! Totally not reinforcing those negative stereotypes at all! Meanwhile, Kyle Kendrick will be traded to Paris Hilton for one of her chihuahuas. Record: 85-77, no playoffs

Atlanta Braves-- His reconnaissance mission over, Tom Glavine returns to Atlanta with scouting reports of every Mets hitter, neglecting to realize that I shit faster on mornings after a full night of burritos and whiskey (read: Tuesdays, approximately 10:24 AM) than he can throw, thus negating his espionage. Jeff Francouer adds a banana-eating shitpuff grin to go along with his curious at-bat facial arsenal of smirk/grimace. Having harumphed through: a) a fight with John Smoltz, b) losing the Gold Glove to David Wright, and c) the Braves being left out of the Mets-Phils "We're the team to beat!/"No we are!" pas de deux, Chipper Jones's career ends after he contracts a severe case of vaginitis. Meanwhile, Bobby Cox don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 12 ejections. Record: 81-81, third straight season without a postseason appearance. Again: Bobby Cox don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Washington Nationals-- So the Mets got rid of Paul Lo Duca and Lastings Milledge, their two enfants terribles in exchange for two nondescript whiteboys who SURELY won't give Omar Minaya any headaches (anti-Semitic remarks notwithstanding). Not to mention Elijah Dukes, who will enjoy many a club-hopping with Lo Duca. Oh, and Dmitri Young is still on this team, right? Delicious. Who can pay attention to the presidential race when the real DC drama will take place in brand new Nationals Park? I'll kinda miss the shitbox that was RFK. Record: 76-86, playoff chances looking about as good as John Edwards' campaign did

Florida Marlins-- This team still exists? Huh. Record: 62-100, no playoffs but will probably win World Series in 2011

Escape Engine 5: Escapeder Harderer

(Editor's note: Escape Engine will be a series of baseball features on this site. The first month of the series will focus on bullpens.)

The fast rise and fall of a bullpen is a tragic thing to watch. A month of fantastic pitching could just as easily crumble as continue, as anyone knows, but to predict such a fall is divine. Since sportswriters mention bullpens more than they actually talk about them, we've decided to devote a little time to some contenders' bullpens (with little focus on the closer, since they get enough airtime already). This week we've focused on the New York Metropolitans, currently 3.5 games ahead of the Braves in the NL East at 60-47. We have them finishing third in the division if you must know.

Man, let's just get right to it:

Scott Schoeneweis is still pitching: How does this happen? Why does Willie Randolph put so much faith in this man when you can hear penises and vaginas clinch throughout Queens as soon as he starts warming up? He's the National League's Joe Borowski, only he blows earlier in the game. I don't know the Mets' farm system that well, but SOMEONE has to be laying around. I mean damn, a 5.59 ERA? In the National League? And you STILL get in in non-Aaron Sele time? Speaking of which...

Aaron Sele is still pitching: Really? His arm is hanging on with chewing gum and used chocolate. I swear to God I was clutching his rookie card in the womb. I am shocked this man's 'Nam tattoos aren't showing in the summer sleeves. His ERA of 4.30 is only shocking because it's not 60.45 in Tampa Bay. Man, it can't get any worse, right?

Late Innings: Uh, well, it's not worse at least. I like Pedro Feliciano. He has five holds and four earned runs in his last 10 appearances, though all four came in two games. Still, a decent K/BB ratio and a sub 3.00 ERA can't hurt in the 7th/8th getting to Wagner. Guillermo Mota's shtick still works in spots, including a nice little performance tonight against the Brewers for a pair of scoreless innings. Problem is, next time he pitches he'll give up 9 hits in two innings. His maddening inconsistency reminds me of Alejandro Pena or Mike Timlin just a couple of months ago (or in three weeks). Those aren't compliments, by the way.

Oh yeah, that Heilman kid/Long Term Eye: You gotta love him. Remember his temper-tantrums to be a starter when he was a fairly ineffective one or two-inning guy? Now, those days are long behind us. Now, he's a 3.50 ERA guy with a few strikeouts under his belt. If this consistency holds up, he and Feliciano can help the Mets retain the lead in the East.

If he fails, though, I can only imagine what could happen. Billy Wagner only has so many chances, so the Mets need to hope these guys can bridge them. If not, the Braves and Phillies are going to battle for first soon enough. I mean, how do Sele and Schoeneweis sound coming down the stretch? As good as a warm Bud Light with a cigarette butt floating around in it right now.

Fun Fact: This is the goofiest picture in the known universe. Christ, what a banana-eating shitpuff. Will somebody get this motherfucker high please? (I'm looking at you, Mota. Or is Jose holding?)


Projection: I can't believe this crew has lasted this long in first place, honestly, and I can't see them winning the NL East. Somewhere in the Mota-Schowie-Heily-Sele natural disaster in the making, someone will be the guy who wants to DJ but keeps playing that new Common record during the dance party (I mean, c'mon, everyone knows that Dirty South shit keeps the party going). When one falls, the added pressure may just take the rest out too. I'd bet money on it, if I had enough to get my phone turned back on. Le sigh. Maybe Schoeneweis will float me a loan, he certainly isn't helping anyone else.

MLB Preview: NL East

We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the National League East, friends!

Atlanta Braves:
The Braves will look completely lost until mid-season when John Schuerholz decides he is going to leave the team at the end of the year to run in the next Atlanta mayoral election. The team will ban together to send Johnny off with one more Division Title (and one more first round playoff loss) to add to an already stacked resume. During the first round of the playoffs, John Smoltz's arm will get caught in a pitching machine and Chipper Jones--hobbling toward third base using Andruw Jones' bat as a cane--will be the first to notice Smoltz doesn't bleed. In fact, ESPN news will break a story first reported in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he is, in fact, the living embodiment of The Terminator. Holy shit, brother. Stories will trickle throughout the season about other Terminators, and most of the loyal baseball fans will gripe on our blogs and finally concede that technological advancements are just part of the game... I mean if there was a mechanical feature that made getting your thoughts out there more rapidly and made it easier for people to read your ramblings on a daily basis completely possible, you would do it right? That's what I thought, cheater. Wins: 93. Eliminated in first round of playoffs.

Philadelphia Phillies:
The Phillies will relinquish both the NL East and wild card leads when Chase Utley leaves the team in July for family reasons. It will later be reported that he was actually writing a test script for a new Fox drama called "Doctor Chase." It will be about a disappointing-young-baseball-player-turned-doctor that heals beautiful women using an uncanny ability to both spot rare diseases and travel through time, though the time travel goes awry (leaving him in undisclosed modern time periods with only an invisible "Pat Burrell's vanishing OPS" to help him). I feel like I've heard this story before... I really do. Wins: 88. No playoffs.

New York Metropolitans/Amazings:
The Amazings will defy all laws of old pitchers-- Tom Glavine will win 15, and El Duque will win 13. Everything will be in place until Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran reveal their lifelong love of the Yankees. They will spiral out of control with their obsession, and will begin wearing Yankees uniforms to the games. In protest, native Queensmen will burn down Shea Stadium (and nearby areas inFlushing) to the ground-- entrapping the players in a literal ring of fire. Willie Randolph will try a Dolph Lundgren/He-Man type of rescue mission only to be foiled by a falling Subway billboard. He will crushed to death by Joe Torre's smiling face-- a telling symbol of the parity of the NYC teams. All the while, Pedro Martinez will convince Jose Reyes and (for some reason) Aaron Heilman to hang out under a displaced mango tree in the de facto Domincan section of the Mets clubhouse-- a section set up by Pedro himself with a plaque commemorating the life of Nelson De La Rosa-- without fifty cents in their collective pockets. Wins: 82. No playoffs.

Florida Marlins:
Anibal Sanchez will be foiled on his attempt to become the first pitcher to throw back to back no hitters on the last two starts of the season when Hanley Ramirez breaks tradtion by screaming "DUDE YOU GOT A NO HITTER GOING, MAN" and hotfooting him simultaneously. Shameful. Hanley will also openly challenge Dontrelle Willis to a drunk driving race to be refereed by Rafael Furcal. Neither of them will win when they hear Sporting News Radio broadcasting them in trade rumors to raise money for the rehiring of Joe Girardi away from-- wait, what the hell happened to that guy? In any event, the two will be traded to the Seattle Supersonics for Ray Allen and Smrnejnudsfgon Smyzborzga's expiring contract and the Seattle Mariners first pick in the NFL draft--Bill Simmons will officially E-X-P-L-O-D-E. Wins: 71. No Playoffs.

Washington Nationals:
They got a damn team out there? I ain't knowed about them since ought-twelve. I'll be a son of a bitch. You know who I like? That Tony Mullane. He's like a Li'l Romeo sandwich on a hot day in Jamaica, Queens, man. No shit. Say, brother, can you spare a damn dime? I'm hungry as Ryan Church on an island of Frank Robinson's apparitions. Dude, I'm the drunk as all hell. Seriously, though. I know NOTHING of the Nationals' moves or in fact, the Nationals themselves. Shoulda stayed in Minnesota's what they shoulda done. Go Jim Bowden, GO! Wins: 11teen. Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Playoffs?