We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the National League East, friends!
The Braves will look completely lost until mid-season when John Schuerholz decides he is going to leave the team at the end of the year to run in the next Atlanta mayoral election. The team will ban together to send Johnny off with one more Division Title (and one more first round playoff loss) to add to an already stacked resume. During the first round of the playoffs, John Smoltz's arm will get caught in a pitching machine and Chipper Jones--hobbling toward third base using Andruw Jones' bat as a cane--will be the first to notice Smoltz doesn't bleed. In fact, ESPN news will break a story first reported in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he is, in fact, the living embodiment of The Terminator. Holy shit, brother. Stories will trickle throughout the season about other Terminators, and most of the loyal baseball fans will gripe on our blogs and finally concede that technological advancements are just part of the game... I mean if there was a mechanical feature that made getting your thoughts out there more rapidly and made it easier for people to read your ramblings on a daily basis completely possible, you would do it right? That's what I thought, cheater. Wins: 93. Eliminated in first round of playoffs.
The Phillies will relinquish both the NL East and wild card leads when Chase Utley leaves the team in July for family reasons. It will later be reported that he was actually writing a test script for a new Fox drama called "Doctor Chase." It will be about a disappointing-young-baseball-player-turned-doctor that heals beautiful women using an uncanny ability to both spot rare diseases and travel through time, though the time travel goes awry (leaving him in undisclosed modern time periods with only an invisible "Pat Burrell's vanishing OPS" to help him). I feel like I've heard this story before... I really do. Wins: 88. No playoffs.
New York Metropolitans/Amazings:
The Amazings will defy all laws of old pitchers-- Tom Glavine will win 15, and El Duque will win 13. Everything will be in place until Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran reveal their lifelong love of the Yankees. They will spiral out of control with their obsession, and will begin wearing Yankees uniforms to the games. In protest, native Queensmen will burn down Shea Stadium (and nearby areas inFlushing) to the ground-- entrapping the players in a literal ring of fire. Willie Randolph will try a Dolph Lundgren/He-Man type of rescue mission only to be foiled by a falling Subway billboard. He will crushed to death by Joe Torre's smiling face-- a telling symbol of the parity of the NYC teams. All the while, Pedro Martinez will convince Jose Reyes and (for some reason) Aaron Heilman to hang out under a displaced mango tree in the de facto Domincan section of the Mets clubhouse-- a section set up by Pedro himself with a plaque commemorating the life of Nelson De La Rosa-- without fifty cents in their collective pockets. Wins: 82. No playoffs.
Anibal Sanchez will be foiled on his attempt to become the first pitcher to throw back to back no hitters on the last two starts of the season when Hanley Ramirez breaks tradtion by screaming "DUDE YOU GOT A NO HITTER GOING, MAN" and hotfooting him simultaneously. Shameful. Hanley will also openly challenge Dontrelle Willis to a drunk driving race to be refereed by Rafael Furcal. Neither of them will win when they hear Sporting News Radio broadcasting them in trade rumors to raise money for the rehiring of Joe Girardi away from-- wait, what the hell happened to that guy? In any event, the two will be traded to the Seattle Supersonics for Ray Allen and Smrnejnudsfgon Smyzborzga's expiring contract and the Seattle Mariners first pick in the NFL draft--Bill Simmons will officially E-X-P-L-O-D-E. Wins: 71. No Playoffs.
They got a damn team out there? I ain't knowed about them since ought-twelve. I'll be a son of a bitch. You know who I like? That Tony Mullane. He's like a Li'l Romeo sandwich on a hot day in Jamaica, Queens, man. No shit. Say, brother, can you spare a damn dime? I'm hungry as Ryan Church on an island of Frank Robinson's apparitions. Dude, I'm the drunk as all hell. Seriously, though. I know NOTHING of the Nationals' moves or in fact, the Nationals themselves. Shoulda stayed in Minnesota's what they shoulda done. Go Jim Bowden, GO! Wins: 11teen. Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Playoffs?