Kevin Hart Cannot Believe His Good Name Has Been Sullied By Some Stupid Whiteboy

Yo, whassup.

This is Kevin Hart.

The real Kevin Hart.

Now, I know you might have heard something about some kid out in Wyoming or some shit pulling some lame-ass stunt. And that this dumbass's name is Kevin Hart.

Wrong.

Sure, he may go by Kevin Hart, but I bet you a diddly Joe to a damned-if-I-know that his real first name is Eugene, or some other pasty shit.

Damn cracker.

I've spent a good chunk of my life building up this name. My name. Was that other motherfucker in Soul Plane? Hell no. Did that chubby checker have a recurring role in Scary Movie 3 and 4? Shit no.

Now, as you can guess, I never was much of an ath-a-lete. I'm 5'4", so the only thing I was good at was dressing in orange and standing at the corner of the end zone. [chuckles] But I watch me some sports, and all I've got to say is this: if you is 6-feet-4-inches tall, and weigh 290 got-damn pounds, and yo ass can't get signed by a D-1 school to play some motherfuckin' football, then yo ass need to find a time machine so you can go back to when you was two and slap the shit out 'cho parents for giving you the athleticism of a drugged walrus.

Seriously, you can't even get a look from fucking Utah State, or UNLV or goddamn Idaho? Fa real?

Man, I can't believe that stupid whiteboy got the same name as me.

Anyway, check me out in Fool's Gold, with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson, opening today, February 8. Holla!