Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Bang, Zoom, Right in the Bissinger

I wasn't around to view the carnage that took place on the bloodbath that was CostasNow (A.K.A The Apocalypse) - I was at Shea, shivering in the upper deck, watching the Mets' bullpen piss away a lead. And I most certainly would have posted something earlier (or, recently, more frequently) if my laptop hadn't decided to come down with a nasty case of chlamydia.

Overall, though, there's very little I can say that hasn't already been said. It was a sad, forgettable, pathetic display by someone whose work I've enjoyed in the past, but will never give an ounce of my attention to in the future.

As many have already pointed out, Mr. Bissinger attacked the crude and vulgar nature of blogs by using an abundant mix of crude and vulgar language. He seems to think that bloggers, without twenty or thirty years' worth of experience (and properly acquired, laminated media credentials), lack the ability to poetically describe a sporting event or ruminate on the subtleties of a perfectly executed 6-4-3 double play. We are cretins, intellectual invalids, Net Neanderthals, the Keyboard Cops of sports. We are incapable of thoughtful, passionate, lyrical, well-written prose or analysis.

We are scum.

You know what? You're right.

FUCK YOU, BUZZ.

Fuck you for assuming to know how I, an educated, employed man (with a Journalism degree from Colorado State, by the way) living on his own 2,000 miles away from either of his parents' basements, choose to get my information.

Fuck you for thinking that I'm not smart enough to recognize satire when I see it, whimsy when I see it, damn good writing when I see it, or good reporting when I see it.

Fuck you for being an inconsiderate asshole.

Lastly, and probably most egregiously, FUCK YOU for being a grown man and going by the name "Buzz." There's only two Buzzes I recognize, and they're both spacemen: one of them is real, the other - not so much. Until you walk on the moon or get animated by Pixar, you shall be referred to as "H.G." What might that stand for? Glad you asked.

-
Hasty Generalizations
-Horsecock Gobbler
-Hermaphrodite Groper
-Habitual Gonorrhea
-Hirsute Gonads
-Hostile Glare
-Hypothetically Ghostwritten
-Honestly Gay
-Harsh Gerontocracy
-Harebrained Gesticulations
-Half-wit Geriatric
-Hell Goblin
-Honky Gringo (ed. note - as am I, natch)
-Hilariously Gauche
-Hillbilly Gangbang
-Historical Garbage
-
Homely GILSKU (Guy I'd Like to Stab with a Kitchen Utensil)
-Horribly Gutless
-Hugging Gentrification
-
Hell-bent Gossipmonger
-Hiding Genuineness
-Holding Grudges
-Hairy Gunt
-Heritage Grates
-Humility Gone
-Hot-shit Gerbil-fucker
-Hyperventilating Gasbag
-Humongous Grouch
-Hallucinating Geezer
-HBO's Goon
-Harmless Guttersnipe
-Hackneyed Gibberish
-Hobbit Gizz
-Hideous Growth
-Hobo Gagger
-Holy GodIwannahookhisnutstoacarbatteryandseeifhegetsaBuzz

That's all I could come up with (without spending six hours on UrbanDictionary.com).

Got your own? Let's hear 'em.

Oh, and lastly, Mr. Bissinger: eat a boatload of cock.

3 comments:

will said...

Half Gargoyle

word, i mean, did you see that guy? he looked like he should be perched on top of a building on w. 72nd

HIV 2 Elway said...

Buzz Beamer was always cool with me.

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