Thursday, December 04, 2008

Congratulations on picking up your KhalilBot 5000!

Dear Cardinals of St. Louis,

Thank you for agreeing in principle to accept KhalilBot 5000 for two middle-of-the-road relievers. We have enjoyed our KhalilBot 5000, and we expect you will, too! We suggest you turn KhalilBot 5000's dial to "2007," when it hit 27 home runs, 44 doubles and drove in 97 runs. We strongly suggest you remove the "2008" setting, though, and use a belt sander to remove said etching from the numbers on the torso, located right below the nape of the "neck."

Again, thank you so much for this courtesy, and good luck in your future. Enclosed are the instructions we received from its wholesaler, Clemson University, in 2003.


the San Diego Padres

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Butler, Pennsylvania

Hello, and thank you for purchasing a KhalilBot 5000! Many, many kids and laconic adults have had so many super-happy-funtastic times with their KhalilBot 5000s that we must give you these detailed instructions on how to extract the most thoroughly enjoyable experience with your new, sometimes-baseball-playing friend!

1. You do not need any tools. KhalilBot 5000 comes fully constructed! You never have to lift a finger. (Except to press the Power button, that is! Or wave "no no" when KhalilBot 5000 swings at another 0-2 breaking ball in the dirt.)

2. Have you noticed the color of your KhalilBot 5000? If you looked at the name "KhalilBot" and assumed it would be black or maybe a dark, caramel brown, you are mistaken! To avoid upsetting the retinas, our KhalilBot 5000s come in a patina of calming light-peach and stainless steel. This is a neutral tone, meant not to draw too much attention. Sometimes, if too many eyes are focused on KhalilBot 5000, its wires will got crossed and it will not perform up to specifications.

2a. In addition, do not stare at KhalilBot 5000 for more than six seconds, even though its gaze can by cryptically hypnotic.

3. Do not try to adjust KhalilBot 5000's facial expressions manually. KhalilBot 5000 only comes with one facial expression, what we call "camel watching a David Lynch movie while trying to download songs off of iTunes." We think it works in just about every situation!

4. Remember to oil KhalilBot 5000 once a day, every day. If you do this, KhalilBot 5000 will perform amicably, like a graceful Ozzie Smith making smooth plays in the infield. If you do not do this, KhalilBot 5000 will perform poorly, like an aging Rafael Belliard lunging at pitches out of the zone.

4a. Also, do not get KhalilBot 5000 wet. This may damage the structure of the hull (rust) as well as the wiring and microchip processors (shorting out, surges). We strongly recommend avoiding coastal areas like South Carolina or San Diego.

5. IMPORTANT: Each day at 11:00 A.M. local time, your KhalilBot 5000 will shut down for approximately 15 minutes. It will do this on its own, no matter what activities are taking place at the time. Our programmers have installed this cachet in order to keep your KhalilBot 5000 happy and peaceful. If you disturb or interrupt KhalilBot 5000 during this time, you can kiss your new best friend Baha'i!

6. You must NOT, under ANY circumstances, get KhalilBot 5000 near Greene Industries' Storage Box Receptacle J-4. They are not compatible, and destruction will only occur at your peril.

7. Upgrades are available for your KhalilBot 5000. These include, but are not limited to: The ability to somewhat resemble a human being; Taking pitches the opposite way, where they're thrown;
Haircuts that won't get you beat up; On-base Percentages greater than .350; and many, many more. Please visit our website.

Follow these directions and you will have a long, happy relationship with your KhalilBot 5000. If you have any questions or concerns, please call our toll-free number or e-mail our staff from the home page of our website. We don't think you will, however; everyone LOVES KhalilBot 5000!*

*Transaction is final. Warranty subject to terminate at any time.


Camp Tiger Claw said...

Can I fuck it without being electrocuted?

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