Tuesday, October 27, 2009

All My Friends Are Funeral Singers: An NBA Experiment Vol. 1.2

Editor's Note: The idea of team love is something that gets a lot of support throughout sportswriting. There's ESPN Philly and Boston and Chicago and all that shit. But there is seldom a writer that gets to expose their bias as completely as they want to (mostly because fans of other teams have no
interest in hearing from us for too long). This got us to thinking. And thinking hard. So, throughout the NBA season, Pretzeltown is going to be an experiment: four contending teams (Boston, Denver, LAL and Cleveland)will be represented by four different writers sharing their thoughts on the process and progress. Now some Celtics musings from BoL.

The idea of Rasheed Wallace is one that cannot be fathomed by humanity. He is a singular vision in frustration wrapped in blissful basketball pageantry. In beckoning his brilliance, the Celtics have signed themselves up to be the loudest, most inane group of assholes since Degeneration X plagued the WWF. (Garnett being HHH, Rondo being X-Pac, Paul Pierce being Shawn Michaels, Ray Allen being "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn and Perkins being "Road Dogg" Jesse James-- meanwhile, Sheed is left out of this entire process and I know, the tag team between Ray and Perk makes no sense, but Road Dogg and Perk remind me of each other, OK?). This is classic heel work and classic Boston Celtics material.

Only, I don't buy it. I know I should-- the ref-baiting, shit-talking and mean-mugging will be there, yes-- but will this team be any more reviled than any other championship-level "bad boy" team? Think about it-- people hated Bird and McHale way more than they hate KG, Ray and Paul Pierce. People hated Antoine Walker more than Perkins because Walker pretended to matter more than anyone on the court. Sheed draws ire, but more than McHale after the clothesline?

I mean, we're not discussing Detroit under Daly , here. We're not talking about a team that really looks hateable. They are a bunch of vets looking for one last shot together. They are too old to be hated, really. Shaq, who has weaseled his way out of another franchise with pity on his side somehow, or Kobe, or a team that still employs Vajucic, or Hedo Turkoglu, or Vince Carter--maybe they draw ire. But KG and a sixth man Sheed? Pierce? I just don't see it. Fans would be better suited to waste their time hating their spouses or kids for not being perfect than hating a team that will be "too focused." Hate the Spurs, hate the Lakers, Hate Shaq but it doesn't seem worthwhile to hate the Celtics for being the old team that refuses to go away, becuase when they do, you will have seen three years. That's it: three seasons, maybe four before they're gone.

As the year progresses, I'm sure everyone will find reasons to hate this team despite my pleas. Just don't waste my time with it. It's not often you get this much focus from a team so apt to break down, so I am just going to enjoy it while it lasts (at least most of it-- Doc loves getting under my skin with stupid lineups and I can't wait for Marquis Daniels to be the first player to play four positions and be overrated at all of them). I suggest everyone do the same. Don't Vince MacMahon my good time.


matt said...

The Celtics ARE everything I hate about professional sports. From the shitty attitudes to the screaming after every play, to Kevin Garnett's constant ghetto bullshit on the sidelines in a suit. I hope their plane crashes on the way to the west coast.

Business or Leisure? said...

What a boring human you are. Go plague deadspin with your acerbic, suburban bullshit.

See how boring that is? Speaking in absolutes without thinking? This is the shit I put up with all day from people who don't actually know shit about sports. Being you must be terrible, having to read a whole few paragraphs about a team you hate.

Sheed forever.

matt said...

Yeah, and coming up a metaphor comparing present Celts to fake wrestling duos, and trying to downplay them with "yeah but back in the old days it was like this...." speeches is SOOO original. A brilliant piece of sportswriting. What's next, are you gonna eat dog food, or say "Garnett keeps back back back back backing him into the paint!." Try doing something original, and maybe thank me because Im the only person who wasted 30 seconds reading your garbage. Typical Bostonian in every way.

Business or Leisure? said...


You are retarded. You are retarded right? I assume, since you are a Downey, that you are.

I'm not from Boston.

Also, Cleveland, as a rule, sucks at everything. That should pretty much do it for this argument.

Eat a Dick,

P.S. Wrestling totally rules, BRAH. Get with the times, man.

matt said...

I am retarded, apparently. But I stand by my comments. Fuck the Celtics in every way. Being able to hate athletes is 50% of what keeps sports going, so Im well within my rights. AND Sheed looks like an ape.
p.s. KG can suck my balls

p.s.s Here's a great new nickname for Paul Pierce....SUPERMAN! No one's ever thought of that