"Lost" Previews the American League East

Well, here we are. It's my final season. Credit to all of you who have stuck with me over these last six years. I know it's been a bumpy run, and I've confused and frustrated a lot of you.

Look, you've just got to trust me. You've got to believe me that I'm going to end on a solid note, answer all your questions (seriously, WTF is with the statue and why did it only have four toes?!?!?) and provide a sense of closure.

I'm not going to come right out, though, and say it was all in Hurley's head or the Island is the in-limbo afterlife or it's all been an elaborate chess game played by two omnipotent goat-like beings.

Whoops. BELATED SPOILER ALERT!

5. Toronto Blue Jays - They are Sayid and Claire. Foreigners who lost something (Sayid: his soul, and Claire: her baby; the Jays: Roy Halladay) that has turned them into a zombie version of their former selves. BONUS: Marc "Scrabble" Rzepczynski and Stuart Radzinsky are cousins.

Record: 69-93

4. Baltimore Orioles - They are Charles Widmore. Tell me you don't think Widmore and Peter Angelos were separated at birth. They're both insanely rich, egomaniacal blowhards who fail more spectacularly the harder they try. BONUS: Garrett Atkins can talk to the dead like Hurley or Miles, but only when he's listening to Drive Shaft.

Record: 74-88

3. New York Yankees - They are the Man In Black (AKA Esau). For too long they have menaced and terrorized the people on their island (AKA the AL East). Soon, they will get their comeuppance. You can only afford to run the smoke monster for so long. BONUS: In an interesting flashback from 1982 to 1994, the Yankees were fucking terrible.

Record: 92-70

2. Tampa Bay Rays - They are Desmond. They didn't exist for a while, then they had a brief run of excellence only to disappear again. Now they're back, and the whole kit and kaboodle gets a helluva lot more interesting when they're around and near the top. BONUS: B.J. Upton is actually Walt.

Record: 93-69; Loss in ALCS

1. Boston Red Sox - They are Jack. They are the emotional center of the show. After an up-and-down tenure (this past off-season), they are ready to regain their rightful place at the top. BELATED SPOILER ALERT TWO. C'mon, like you didn't know. BONUS: Jack Shephard's a Red Sox fan. I mean, this shit writes itself, huh?

Record: 96-66
World Series Champions

Outside the Aviary: "Everything You Must Love You Must Love Now"

I had a column all set up for how the Yankees were shot and how the Red Sox were becoming a less polished version of those 1996-2001 teams that just won at any costs (sprinkling the pickups of Kotsay and Byrd in as evidence), but really, I don't feel like talking about all that. Perhaps it's the whimsical instrumental music I am listening to, the fact that i have cheered on championship teams a lot lately or the fact that I read way more on sports than I write about it these days, but the article bores me. It really does.

The liberation of a two-sport championship is daunting. Ask Bill Simmons, Dan Shaughnessy or the cavalcade of "Boston Bloggers" nationwide. It's not a small task to write about things when they are going well. There's little to criticize-- the Red Sox are on their way to another playoffs and took two out of three from the Yanks in September. The Celtics are taking a gamble here and there (although a non-guaranteed contract to Darius Miles is not a gamble-- more on this in a later column) after securing a championship that got more press than Lady Di's death rattles. The Redskins have made improbable playoff runs and are, at least, intersting every year. My sports life is good.

Still, the Sox letting a sweep slip through their brittle fingers, I noticed something-- the Yankee fans are comatose right now. I went to the game last night, and most of the meatheads were expectant. They expected Papi or Varitek to come through against the Veras and Ponson types. When Jeter came up, they looked ahead to the next batters and knew A-Rod had no chance against relievers. Whereas my friend and I just stared ahead and waited. We talked about insurance runs and how funny 'Tek's swing looks. We talked about how cool it was to see Yankee Stadium one last time and how we couldn't wait for it to be razed. We talked about all kinds of things, waiting for the bottom to drop out against a terrible set of pitchers.

Meanwhile, the Yankee fans got more and more hopeful. You could hear fingers crossing and heads nodding. You could hear frustration. When the Sox went up 5-2, some people left. 5-2? At 6-2, more scampered away. 6-2? This is a team that leads the world in bullshit hits-- infield choppers, dying quails, etc. There is no other team blessed like this one. Granted, the place deadened after the Pedroia grand slam, but even then, where was the swagger, the bravado? The "Well, we still got twenty-six rings" assholery?

It was lost in Goose Gossage pulling a fake lever to remind the fans that they had two weeks left to enjoy the old stadium. It was lost in a lackluster "YMCA" chant as the grounds crew came out in the seventh. It was lost in the anti-clutchness of the middle of the order. It was lost in walks, doubles, a grand slam and the overall disillusonment of their reality: they don't field good teams right now. They just don't.

There's a new Steinbrenner, a new stadium and new motto: win with what is out there. Gone is the hope of a saviour for this season, and soon the invented mystique of the ideal playing field will be gone too. For someone with a dog in the hunt like me, it's not a moment too soon. Bury that hole as soon as possible and make sure Michael Kaye is in it. But for the casual fan-- like the Californian father and son in front of us, it was a moment bereft of rivalry. Yankee Stadium, with its statue park, its die-hard/vulgar fan base and its ancient lore meant something different entirely. It meant the end of an era that was long past, not the one of recent memory.

Now, nearly every dog is in the hunt. Then, it was the Yankees and whomever challenged them. There was little to no real rivalry. Fans are better off believing that their team can win now. Fans are better off wondering if their new young rookie sensation can be the next Josh Beckett or Mariano Rivera rather than the next Cy Young. The year-to-year, station-to-station idealism is better for the mystery of the game. The casual fan has really never had it better: there is no dominant force in many major sports anymore. Rivalries exist out of biterness, sure, but moreso becuase each team has a real stake again. The Red Sox, White Sox, Rangers, Cubs (as of this year)-- invented curses or not-- have a chance. This hurts the dynasty and leaves the monumental fans pride-hurt and with new stadiums? Pride hurt and priced out.

Such is life, I suppose. I won't miss the mystique or the builing. I won't. I will miss the old fans like my Uncle George-- recalling the past-- a little, maybe. I might miss the way there is no bad seat in Yankee Stadium, just a touch. But, I won't miss how the casual fan came in with reverence and fear. Price 'em out, Yanks. The die-hards are dying with the titles. The Sox's are winning, the Rays are running away with it this year and the Stadium is done. And so, the new era is upon us.

AL East Preview

Yeah, it's time again. The Baseball season is ALREADY FUCKING HERE, so we're previewing the whole shebangs the only way we know how: by making shit up. Today is the AL East, currently led by the Boston Red Sox by .5 yen, er, games.

Boston Red Sox-- Yeah, I know, I picked 'em last year to win it all merely by bias. But I was still right. In any event, things will be cruising along early-- a halfway decent 15-7 record-- when Manny Ramirez decides he's going to war. Citing his "hatred of the terrorists", he will report to Theo Epstein his desire to serve his country. Theo, shrewd man that he is, will still trade his rights for two players to be named later and the working arm of Nomar Garciaparra from the Dodgers (AKA Red Sox West). With these parts, and the hair the Marines shave off of Manny, Theo will create a hybrid player named Hydroponic Jones. He will hit for the cycle in twenty straight games before violating drug policy, leaving the Sox with a platoon of Coco Crisp and Brandon Moss. Record: 95-67, World Series.

New York Yankees-- The team will respond well to Joe Girardi's principled, military-style discipline until they lose a key game to the Angels in midseason. Joe Girardi will describe A-Rod as a prima donna in a media leak. Misunderstading his new manager, A-Rod will think he said Pre-Madonna. A pouty, unhappy A-Rod will fire back and say that he is the "Queen of Baseball. Madonna isn't fit to soil my cleats." He will slump after hearing snickers from his teammates every time he settles in for the next pitch, causing the Yanks to falter in the second half. The laughter will stop, however, when Jason Giambi's old tumor problem comes back in the form of a second head that takes over his body and destroys itself. Charged by the loss of a teammate, and by Hank Steinbrenner's annexation of Tampa Bay, they will make the playoffs, only to lose in the first round again. 93-69, ALDS losers.

Tampa Bay Satan Fish, er, Rays-- I have no idea what is going to happen to this team, but I got a hunch they're due to launch from the depths to the semi-depths. I do think, however, that Joe Madden will opt to have Rocco Baldelli repaired bionic man style from spare parts of his first car ever-- a Yugo. Also, Scott Kazmir will evolve into the ace that noone cares about on a team few think exist. He'll be like a violet in a field of dead bulls. GO RAYS GO. 80-82, no playoffs.

Toronto Blue Jays-- A mediocre start will prompt A.J. Burnett to try to throw nothing but fastballs in one game. As a result, shards of his shoulder and back will coat the front row of fans. A class-action lawsuit will take up most of the team's attention and Troy Glaus will testify that Burnett "always wanted it this way" in a tearful moment. Meanwhile, the team will suffer the indignity of a 14-game losing streak while Vernon Wells goes on strike for more pitches to hit. Oh, and they lose the lawsuit on grounds of, um, disgusting. Yeah, that'll do. 75-87. Playoffs? Not a chance.

Baltimore Orioles-- The entire city of Baltimore will rise up like flames and overthrow Peter Angelos. A radical sect of this movement will advance on Washington DC and burn down RFK Stadium, forcing the Nationals to play in Richmond at the R-Braves AAA stadium. They will advance, an angry horde thirsty for the blood of baseball's elite. Yankee stadium will fall, Fenway next, David Ortiz's body covered in the blood of Bartolo Colon, Detroit razed like London in 1666 and then, in the grandest design of all, Bud Selig will be removed in the bloodiest coup in MLB history. Meanwhile, the team blows and they didn't really want this anyway. 50-112. Playoffs? Good Morbid God THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD.

A Completely Worthwhile Proposal

Photo courtesy Chricket Go Queek Queek
Thanks Paul.

I love the AL East. I really do. Despite my hatred of the Bombers, it's great that they exist. I am in love with the Red Sox. Always have been. I have nothing but love for the Blue Jays. I think it's cute that the Orioles still field a team. I harbor no ill-will for them, either. In general, I like their teams from the past and their forthright belief that they deserve a future that Old Man Angelos won't give them.

It's the Devil Rays that kill me*. A more pointless franchise (yes, that includes the Rockies) does not exist in baseball. Possibly in all of sports. I understand the small payroll and young team, but this is the same excuse I hear every year. It just ain't happening for these guys. They are are the AAAA of the American League. THis is not to say that they couldn't compete in a different division that the Payroll Division, but the rules are the rules.

In fact, I'm all for losing the team. There, I said it. Let the Marlins own the nation's wang. Let the transplanted New Yorkers cheer against the Mets in the NL East. However, I am NOT in favor of contraction. This leaves the best and brightest of this young team to the top bidders in the league. Instead, I have a plan to make my beloved AL East all the better. Combine the Orioles and D-Rays**. Then, the cast-offs will find jobs in other markets.

The Orioles are closer than many think to being a threat. I like their starters-- three of them at least. Sure, this wouldn't help their insufferable bullpen all that much, but look at the rest of the league. Boston is all starters (minus Okajima and Papelbon). New York is old and all starters (minus Rivera). Toronto is, well, hurt. Right now, the Orioles could make a respectable later-than-May run at the East with this pitching:

Starting:
Bedard
Kazmir
Guthrie
Cabrera
Shields

Relief:
Reyes (7th-9th)
Ray (Closer)
Fossum (Long Relief)
Shuey (mop-up)
Bradford (Weird arm/lefty guy)
Burres (Long Relief/Spot Starter)
Baez (Roster Spot/ They Paved Paradise...)

So, that's not the strongest set of pitchers, but Bedard has become more consistent, Kazmir could pitch with, you know, pitchers, and actually get better rather than flounder near .500 with flashes of brilliance. Chris Ray could look around him and see a few helping hands and not feel the pressure of the world on his chest, and Reyes has pitched well in the AL in case Ray falls apart.

The lineup, then, could be:

Carl Crawford (LF)
Nickie "The Fish" Markakis (RF)
Wiggington (1B)
Tejada (DH)
Mel Mora (3B)
Brian Roberts (2B)
Brendan Harris (SS)
Corey Patterson (CF)
Raul Hernandez (C)

You've got Boom Bitch, B.J. Upton and Iwamura on the bench or you can let Mora go since he's a little older. Either way, I can see that lineup scoring a lot of runs with a combination of speed, youth and rejuvenated power. Plus, you can move Markakis and Patterson up and down the order depending upon who you play.

Though, I have not tried to figure the salaries for taxation, look at who you've dropped. The bulk of the Shawn Camp all-stars (aka AAA pitching staff) of the Rays are gone. The Orioles roster of relievers is thankfully depleted. The dropped crew can try their hands as the new Tampa Bay Devil Rays (affiliate of the Orioles) begin their first season in their rightful AAA league. Or they can try new teams. It's completely up to them. They could make some decent Major-League-experienced trade bait (maybe for a catcher that makes contact on either of these rosters). Either way, both the Orioles and the AL East bolster themselves.

I know it's insensitive to kill a team and devastate a small fan base, especially since they've never had a chance to see their team succeed. Also, admittedly, this is still a fairly weak team. Face facts, though, Tampa Bay has been a place where good players grow to leave and old players go to die. It's depressing to watch their 100 loss seasons and hurtful to know what it feels like when Orioles cry. At least this way, one of the two is competitive without having to try and lure away stars that just want the Steinbrenner or Henry cash, anyway.

* Yeah, I was thinking about this while the two teams played each other last night.
**The only catch? Angelos HAS to sell the team beforehand. I can't have that guy messing up my brilliant ideas.

Outside the Aviary: "Against All Odds"

Tonight, I watched something I didn't think I would see. I watched a kid younger than me beat a fantastic offensive team in their own home while the Red Sox lead the division. He garnered comparisons to Chris Young (from Orel Hershiser, no less) by getting out of jams and making the right pitches. He let the defense work when he couldn't strike his man out. He snuck in his offspeed stuff after using his fastball to get ahead early. He didn't let his walks beat him. Jon Lester went to work.

At times, I would say that Lester looked like he could contribute for the rest of this season. This is astounding seeing as how he struggled before a prolonged DL stint last season and lost his command at critical times throughout his young career. The Indians weren't often fooled by his pitches, yet they never hit the important ones. The Grady Sizemore home run aside, Lester gave them chances for walks and cut fastball singles, but never the chance to hurt him terribly. This is the pitcher I saw last season, before his injury. It's the guy that seemed calm in the face of whatever confronted him-- whether it be a bases loaded situation or AAA options being mentioned when he couldn't get out of the fifth inning.

Or cancer.

I remember reading that Jon Lester was diagnosed with cancer and thinking... damn, that kid had a shot. I'm not gonna say his courage or anything other than the luck of finding the disease early had anything to do with his comeback. I'm not a doctor. Nor do I care to offer my opinion on how or why Jon Lester came to be a fantastic feel-good story amongst the Vick/Donaghy/Bonds face-off amongst the talking heads in sports. All I know is, eleven months ago, the Red Sox were all but out a pitcher. I mean, even AIDS cowers in a corner when Cancer enters the room. Yet, Lester made his pitches tonight, answered his post-game questions and now he waits for his next start to see if he or Kason Gabbard will be the fifth starter when Curt Schilling is ready to pitch again.

In fact, I get the feeling that tonight had nothing to do with courage. I think Lester came out and threw the ball. He listened to his catcher, trusted the lead his offense gave him and did what came naturally. It was the same thing he did with his doctors and family a few months ago, the same thing he did with his coaches and teammates in the minors and the same thing he'll do when Theo Epstein and Terry Francona decide if he is ready to contribute every fifth day come August 6th-- Schilling's scheduled return. The courage part is hard. Tonight was easy. Tonight, Jon Lester got to have some fun and beat a playoff-ready team.

Tonight, Jon Lester beat the Cleveland Indians. That seems easy, compared to amateur oddsmakers (like myself) who wrote him off eleven months ago. Courage takes on many forms when a 22-year-old kid takes the mound for the first time in the majors. Or battles cancer. Tonight was neither of those things. All Jon Lester did was go to work tonight. And win. That had to feel right, though it looked wrong. I couldn't believe what I saw. Neither could his parents.

All along, however, Jon Lester looked like he was doing something normal. He was doing his job.

Escape Engine the 4th

(Editor's note: Escape Engine will be a series of baseball features on this site. The first month of the series will focus on bullpens.)

The fast rise and fall of a bullpen is a tragic thing to watch. A month of fantastic pitching could just as easily crumble as continue, as anyone knows, but to predict such a fall is divine. Since sportswriters mention bullpens more than they actually talk about them, we've decided to devote a little time to some contenders' bullpens (with little focus on the closer, since they get enough airtime already). This week we've focused on the Boston Red Sox, currently 8 games ahead of the Yankees in the AL East at 56-37, which is also the best record in all of baseball. We have them winning the AL pennant, if you must know.

Let me preface this by saying that this is a punishment post. Well, not really. Aside from my obvious allegiances, I do root for some AL teams, and the Sawx are definitely one of them. The reason is, quite simply, I hate the Yankees. Is there any better reason to do anything than pure, vitriolic hatred? Adolf Hitler says no. FOX News says no. PETA says no. And if there's three people/organizations I aspire to be like it's Hitler, FOX News and PETA.

Anyway, at a little get-together at a Mets game almost a month (?!?!) ago, Business or Leisure? and I had a little bet. I took the A's, he took the Mets, and the loser would have to do the Escape Engine for the other's team. The Mets won 9-1. So, technically I lost, but not really.

Oh, we were supposed to race pantsless or something, too. That idea got scrapped pretty quick.

Onward and upward, friends.

Land of rising suns, falling ERAs: Remember the fervor over the Daisuke sweepstakes? The incessant coverage, the back-door dealings, the sealed envelope bids, the puffy jacket at the airport? Seems like eons ago, doesn't it? Now we're just past the halfway point in the season, and while Dice-K's been good, he's not even the best Japanese pitcher born in a town with the letters T-O-K-Y-O on the team. That would be Hideki Okajima of Kyoto, the far less-known of the two overseas signings. All he's done is win the fan's vote for the All-Star game while posting an absurd 0.79 ERA and a sick 0.86 WHIP. A lot of foreign pitchers -- especially Japanese and Asian ones -- have unconventional windups and deliveries, and Okajima is no different. The best part about his, though, is that when he releases a pitch he looks down at the ground. His head whips, flings violently down, and he's not looking anywhere near the plate. It's a fun thing to watch, but it must be a bitch to hit against. No matter, because he's got good stuff that he locates well and keeps down in the zone. Head fling or not, that's how you get badass numbers.

Late innings: I was going to make a joke about Mike Timlin being 40, but he's actually 41. Wow. Has anyone ever seen him without a shirt on? I'm guessing his arm is connected to his shoulder by warm Twizzlers and plumber's tape. Don't get me wrong -- I love the Bulldog (he looks like my friend Dave) and he's still putting up respectable numbers (3.86 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and a .260 BAA) -- but at some point the ol' truck is going to blow a gasket. He's already been on the 15-day DL twice this year. Brendan Donnelly has been out for about a month now, and Manny Delcarmen's been up and down between Pawtucket and the big club all year. He's only thrown about thirteen innings this year, but he's done a decent job.

Middle innings and long relief: Joel Pineiro. The words roll off the tongue like "syphilis" and "asphyxiation." He used to be a starter. Not anymore. Now he's a mediocre reliever with numbers that don't equate to his four-million-dollar salary. What's my boy going to be when he grows up? "No, no son. Neural surgery is hard work. You've got to go to school for twenty-something years, work really hard, and look at brains. Don't you want to work in middle relief and make five big ones a year while you get lit up like the Vegas strip?" An ERA of 5+ and a K-BB ratio of barely better than 1-1 isn't really getting the job done, especially for someone who once won 16 games.

Long-term Eye: With Okajima setting the table for Jonathan Papelbon to clean up, there may be no better one-two punch in the league (aside from Elijah Dukes roughing up his nanny). Timlin still continues to plug away, but the return of Donnelly will be key. He's been through pennant races and the rigor of the post-season, and will assuredly mentor the younger guys. Plus Jon Lester could come back in the next month or two and, if Curt Schilling ever gets back to form, that would put either Julian Tavarez or Kason Gabbard into a long relief role. That would give Terry Francona more options, and would increase the possibility of Tavarez throwing the bullpen catcher into the stands. And that's always a plus.

Fun Fact: Timlin really does look like my buddy Dave. I promise. Once I track down a picture, it's on.

Projection: This team doesn't have many holes, but middle relief could be one. Could be. The Sox might try to make a minor deal toward the deadline, but I think they'll go to the party with who brung 'em. So far, the starters have been solid enough and getting deep enough that it really hasn't mattered. With a handful of solid single-inning-eaters like Timlin, Javier Lopez, Kyle Snyder and Okajima, the bridge to Pap-smear looks like a relatively short one that's easy to cross.

AL East Preview

We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the American League East, friends!

Boston Red Sox: I don't really think this team can win this division or make the playoffs in my heart of hearts, but I can't pick the Yankees. So, there it is. The Red Sox will win the East because I want them to. At the all-star break, with a two game deficit, Curt Schilling will change the name of his blog "Muting Michael Kay" after Kay says that the Yankees would be better off signing a younger pitcher in the off-season. This will prompt Kay to challenge Schill to a wrestle off. Little does Schill know, Kay is dirty. Mariano Rivera will sneak into the ring and hit Schill with a chair and Kay will scream "SEE YA!" before pinning Schill to win. Manny Ramirez will decide that this injustice must be avenged and will set a second-half RBI record propelled by an 11 RBI night against the Yanks eliminating them from playoff contention. Big Papi will laugh from the dugout heartily while carting Schill around with a wheelchair that is internet ready. Wins: 100. Playoffs: WS. Also, I'm a Red Sox fan. Thought you should know.

NY Yankees: Aside from the Michael Kay distraction, the Yankees will face their largest A-Rod distraction ever when the fans and media decide to start preening and petting him no matter what his role is in the clutch. He will become so enamored of himself that he will grow his hair into a lustrous main and refer to himself as SUPERHORSE. SUPERHORSE will hit for average, power and gallop around the basepaths with the reckless abandon of a young Enos Slaughter. Derek Jeter, jealous of SUPERHORSE's preening and newfound media-love, will refer to A-Rod as "Little Momma" during an ESPN Sunday Conversation in which he was shitcanned drunk. This will prompt both players to actively dive into the stands after EVERY foul ball causing irreparable facial structure damage to both men. Because of this, Hideki Matsui will declare himself (very humbly) to be the most handsome man on the team. Meanwhile, the team will suffer it's worst winning percentage in a long time: well above .500. Wins: 90. Playoffs: probably, but I'm not granting that honor on anything NEAR Giambi.

Toronto Blue Jays: Wait, there's a team in CANADA? What the hell is that about? I mean, COME ON. BJ Ryan plays In CANADA? Who's in charge here? Let's get these guys a real stadium in a real AMERICAN city for Christ's sake. Has Detroit got a ballclub right now? What about Anaheim? Don't worry, fellas. We'll take care of this right quick like. Doc Halladay don't pitch for no pansy-ass CANADIAN team for pussy nor money. One quick note: is there anything scarier than the bird Toronto designed to be the mascot? Holy living FUCK. That thing will kill us all. Seriously, did the guy who did makeup for The Crow make this? Wins: 87. Playoffs: Nah.

Baltimore Orioles: It all comes crashing down on opening day, doesn't it? Kevin Millar will make the papers for the first time in June when he hits a walk off dying quail to raise his average to .234. He will use the interview to rail against Peter Angelos' irresponsible running of the team. When he disappears, no one will mind or even notice. A clone of Nick Markakis will take his place and Angelos will name him Kevin Millar 2: Millar Time. A big hit, the clone will lead the league in smiles until he realizes the team is having yet another losing season mired toward the bottom of the East. Millar 2 will march into Angelos' office screaming CRUSH KILL DESTROY before realizing that he cannot destroy his master. The two will be married in August. What a nice little story. Wins: 71. Playoffs: Get the fuck outta here.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: They got these big chewy pretzels here blaughtkdnguthgl. OK, in all seriousness, this team will start with the worst record in history until they sign Brewer, Horford and Noah and win 15 in a row to end the season. Still, it's no reason to go caring about a team that has a perennial spot on the spoiler list that Gammons does on Baseball Tonight every year. Wins: 59. Playoffs: We doin' it big. My Devil Rays know what I'm talking about.