Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Stuart Scott Does the Highlights of My Day

Wuddup, playas? Pretty soon we're gonna be gettin' to some mad - and I don't mean LT goin' off on the Patriots mad, but Belichick straight jackin' a photographer mad - some MAD ill highlights of the Grizz and the Wiz, where Tarheel Antawn Jamison had only two points but they were the most diabolical two points in the history of the Association, but first...

Scott, have you ever hearda this bad mamma-jamma named Phony Gwynn?

Scott Van Pelt says that no, no he has not.

Well, lemme break it down for ya, brutha. Dude's six-feet-five-inches tall, an even 200 pounds, and can straight up rock the spot. Let's get it goin'...

Ok, it's about a quarter to nine here, and my man's all kinda tired 'cause he was up 'til four in the A-M checkin' out the pics on the W4W posts on the casual encounters section of Craigslist. Fo' shizzle.

So he gets up, wipes his mouth, and...oh, there's drool on the other side of the pillow. Now he dun gets his groove on and makes his way into the kitchen. Got some Raisin Bran there and a bagel, and I wonder what he's gonna put on that...YUP! Straight butta! And that must be jam, 'cause jelly don't shake like dat.

Now you gotta watch right herrrrrrrr, Scott, on the long walk to the subway, cuz my man...well, with the Raisin Bran and all the jigglin'...I ain't sayin' nothin', but that ain't right. He tries the Dunkin' Donuts and gets DE-NIED! So he up and flips it like a biscuit, backtracks to White Castle, and breaks off a lot of little somethin' somethins! Like a man smokin' at a gas station, he was about to BLOW UP!

OK, now peep this right here y'all. This man is now at the doctor about to get tested for the St. Deez and the High-V. Because, ya know, we don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump 'n grind. After the wait, he rolls in and the doctor straight tells him to STOP! DROP! Shut it down, Open up SHOP! Which my boy does, since he respectful of all his people and his kin, like Ray-Ray, Pookie, Shaneesha, T'Q'UanaRon'Shon, Dorrell...anyway, he gots to roll over to this other doctor - I know, crazy, right? - and SHE says, Check if you're bleeding...cause you just got TAGGED!

Now he's back home, and decides to pay some bills online...while watching a lil' ASS CLEAVAGE #3. And that's when the Lord says 'You've got to RISE UP!' Oh Scott, this kid...this kid here...he definitely be havin' his mojo workin'! He's doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well, and then...


Uh-oh. Oh no he di'int. See, wha-what had happened, was...well, that's why they call him the Windex Man - he's always cleaning the glass.

We move ahead now to two AM, the man is getting back from getting paid to watch TV - remember, don't hate the playa, hate the game - and pours himself some Johnnie Walker and loads a bowl. Can I get a witness from the congregation? He's straight representin', and now watch him clear his throat...aw, dawg, it's your world, kid. The rest of us just payin' rent. Scott?

Scott Van Pelt looks on, slack-jawed, unable to either comprehend anything that has transpired in the previous two minutes or get those minutes of his life back. He then makes a Tenacious D reference and the show resumes.

1 comment:

Santos said...

Right on; and pretty damn hilarious.

Next time, I'd like to see Bryant Gumbel do play-by-play of your day...

BG: "He's got his second cup of coffee of the morning and it looks like he'll drink it with cream and sugar."

(It's actually a beer with lime, it's his 4th one, and it's 9pm)