Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Well, This Sure Sets One Hell Of A Precedent

David Kircus, once known as a marginal NFL player, third-string wide receiver, and decent return man, now has one more bullet point to add to his resume: polygraph destroyer.

After Kircus got arrested on May 21 following a late-night altercation at a house party, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan threatened to kick him off the team if he was found to have been at fault.

But you know what? That legal system can be one slow bitch when it wants to be (especially when pro athletes are involved). So Pat Bowlen and Shanahan just brought in the ol' Flowers By Irene and hooked Kircus up to the truth machine. At Kircus's request, of course.

The result? Grab those shoulder pads, David, and get back to work. Oh, and try not kick random dude's asses. At 3:50 a.m. In their own driveway.

But how will this play out in the future? How many owners - who, invariably, have tons of money and presumably know plenty of people in all the right places - and coaches will now just strap their basset hound-faced millionaires to a lie detector and see what's what? And can they legally kick a player off the team and/or void a contract if he fails?

These are the delicious questions that will be raised in the near future. But, for now, we can imagine what kinds of statements would make that little needle sway back and forth like a drunken frat boy at a Staind concert...

"Of course it was a woman. She had boobs and everything." - Alex Rodriguez

"I thought it was Charles Barkley." - Jamison Stone

"Nah, I ain't into that shit, dawg ... I mean ... Cat?" - Michael Vick

"I can't wait for that West Coast road trip." - Roger Clemens

"No, my daughter will most certainly not take that multi-million dollar modeling/endorsement offer. She'll wait until she's old enough to take care of the money herself." - Allison Stokke's father

"I've already proven myself to be an excellent addition to the Baseball Tonight family. I am loquacious, I enunciate, I never stumble or stutter when I speak - basically, I am God's gift to gab." - Eric Young

"I really hate attention." - Mark Cuban

"I really just wanted a salad." - Tank Johnson

"I'm 19." - Greg Oden

And of course, "I like that Billy. He's not smug at all." - Jerry Seinfeld

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

3 comments:

Business or Leisure? said...

Roger Clemens is going to fingerbang most of the young Yankee pitchers.

Wait, the needle never moved...

Signal to Noise said...

"I never sent those voice mails, dawg." - Elijah Dukes

meech.one said...

"I love my m—–f——- wife and my m—–f——- kids, dawg."
-Elijah Dukes

"Mine!"
-Alex Rodriguez

"I looking forward to a Spurs/Pistons Finals"
-me