If the Last Game at Yankee Stadium Had Gone According to a Yankee Hater's Plan

1:30 - Monument park opens.

1:43 - Someone spray-paints "dolemite" on Miller Huggins' plaque.

3:11 - For old time's sake, twelve women simulate fellatio on Mickey Mantle's plaque.

5:24 - As fans are allowed on the field, Jeffrey Maier walks to the spot where Tony Tarasco would've caught Derek Jeter's fly ball in Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS, had Maier not interfered. An Orioles fan recognizes Maier and promptly kicks him in the balls.

7:21 - While introducing all the former Yankee greats at their respective positions, Willie Randolph slides into second. The throw beats him by three feet.

7:38 - Bernie Williams is introduced and roundly cheered on his first visit back to the Bronx since 2006. Meanwhile, someone in the field-level seats mentions Mickey Rivers, and nobody knows who he's talking about.

8:11 - Babe Ruth's daughter, all 92 years of her, bounces the ceremonial first pitch to the plate. Everybody boos.

8:20 - Andy Pettitte delivers the first pitch. As digital camera flashes go off throughout the stadium, Brian Roberts pulls it over the wall in left for a home run.

8:31 - Jeter strikes out looking.

9:14 - Jeter flies out to the warning track in right.

9:29 - Whitey Ford and Yogi Berra join Jon Miller and Joe Morgan in the booth. The pairing of Berra and Morgan introduces a strange yin-yang dynamic: Berra, king of the unintentionally intelligent, and Morgan, king of the intentionally unintelligent.

9:54 - Jeter grounds out to short.

10:40 - Jeter strikes out looking.

10:53 - During "God Bless America," everyone in attendance gets up to go to the bathroom.

10:06 - Michael Kay joins the booth. He is eaten by locusts.

11:19 - After striking out the first two men he faces, and throwing hellacious mid-air haymakers, Joba Chamberlain hits a batter, walks two guys, and gives up a grand slam to Kevin Millar.

11:36 - In the bottom of the eighth, A-Rod hits a three-run bomb to Reggie Jackson-land in center to cut the Orioles' lead to 6-4. Upon crossing home plate, he flips off the entire crowd and their sarcastic applause.

11:41 - With one out in the ninth, Joe Girardi calls for Mo. As Mariano Rivera prepares to enter the game, the gate door gets stuck. The game is put on hold for three minutes.

11:49 - Luke Scott hits a solo blast to right off a cutter that doesn't cut. The Orioles go up 7-4.

12:05 - With two outs and the bases loaded, Jeter walks to the plate. As 54,000 people chant his name, Jeter, the captain, grounds out weakly to third. Game over.

12:11 - Addressing the crowd after the game, the microphone goes out on Jeter. With nowhere else to turn, Jeter screams into Jorge Posada's ear, using his head as a megaphone. Due to the unique shape and design of the ears, not to mention the overwhelming size, the sound carries through the stadium, shattering windows and glasses and hearing aides. At eighty-five years, the stadium's shaky structure struggles to sustain. With evacuees running for their lives, Yankee Stadium crumbles, topples, falls. The only thing left standing is Babe Ruth's monument, covered, fittingly, in beer.