Sunday, September 28, 2008

We Didn't Lose 100 Games! Fuck You, Cocktasters

Yeah, that's right. We avoided 100 losses. Only those douchetruck Nationals lost 100 games. Pads fuckin' rule, man!

[Is handed a note that the Mariners have as many losses as the Nationals]

Oh, shit! Really? Those northwestern rain-sucking ducknuts lost 101 games, too? What a bunch of shitdogs!

[Whips out penis, urinates on Jody Gerut, flings speedos at Nick Hundley]

It's a switter-beet thing, man, going from playing for a playoff berth last year and then finishing behind the Giants this year. The fuckin' Giants, man! They're so old, Paul Newman was their backup centerfielder. They pay Barry Zito to fucking pitch, man! Imagine that shit!

[Applies cocoa butter to groin area, puts on strapless goggles, climbs into tanning bed]

Gotta bronze, brah. Not enough sun down here in San Diego.

[Grabs newest edition of Hustler]

Be back in a minute, dawg.

[Closes tanning bed]

20 Minutes Later

[Tanning bed door opens]

Fuck yeah. Have you seen Edgar Gonzalez? I totally wanna shit in his cleats. No? Ahh, fuck it. See ya later, dicknose.

[Takes off strapless goggles, walks off with Hustler-sized light spot on his chest, fist-sized light spot on his penis]

Hey, has anybody seen my phone? I gotta call Marcus. He gets off at the late shift at T.G.I.Friday's pretty soon.

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