Stephen Tobolowsky Previews the National League East

I was having lunch with Sam Trammell the other day - we're in an upcoming movie together - when I asked him what it was like to play a character who could transform into anything. He took a bite of his salmon croquette, swallowed, and looked at me and said, "You should know, Steve. You're the ultimate transformer."

Oh, that Sam. Such a devilishly handsome rogue.

5. Washington Nationals - I hear they've got their own Stephen, a young man named Strasburg who can really bring it. But they probably won't have him up in the big leagues this year. Kind of like when I played Ranger Steve Neely in Spike Jonze's Adaptation. My scenes were cut from the final film. But oh, boy - Meryl, Nic Cage, Chris Cooper. What a roster! Not like the Nationals' which, minus Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman, is poopy.

Record: 68-94

4. Florida Marlins - Despite some quality talent (Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla, Josh Johnson) the Florida Marlins routinely play in front of thousands of empty seats. Kind of like when my movie Mr. Magoo opened. Pee-eww! That movie forever answered the question, "What would a nuclear bomb made out of celluloid look like?"

Record: 79-83

3. New York Mets - Oh, those Metropolitans. A lot of money. Some decent talent. Problems, injuries, and middling results. Reminds of a movie I was in once, have you seen it? The Glimmer Man? No, you haven't seen it. I fired my agent after it made back less than half its budget. Of course, I hired him back a few days later and he's still my agent to this day. But for about 48 hours or so there, ol' Sammy was sweating!

Record: 84-78

2. Atlanta Braves - Good lord, have you seen this Jason Heyward?!? Heavens to Betsy, what an Adonis! He's like a building with arms. His spring has been a revelation, just like Guy Pearce in Memento. Powerful, powerful stuff. Gut-wrenching. And let me tell you something - I was in that movie, and to this day I still can't follow it! Let's hope the Braves don't play their season in reverse.

Record: 89-73
Wild Card; loss in NLCS


1. Philadelphia Phillies - The Phillies let Cliff Lee go, but they picked up Roy Halladay. For about six or seven years he's been arguably the best pitcher in baseball, and that was in the American League East, the best division in the best league. Those lineups he regularly faced? Hoo boy! Brutal. Now he'll get to pitch against the Nationals, and other awful offensive teams like the Padres and Giants. That's a prescription for success! Speaking of "Doc" Halladay stealing the show, how about that Val Kilmer in Tombstone? Amazing. I wasn't in that one. I was in Deadwood, though.

Record: 93-69
3rd straight NL pennant; loss in World Series