An Open Letter to Jay Cutler

Dear Jay,

Shut the fuck up. Quit whining like that kid in 6th period Gym who couldn't climb the rope.* Rub some Vagisil on that rampaging rectal rotunda of yours and start leading this aimless fucking franchise.

Were the Broncos duplicitous? Surely. Could they have handled it better? Of course. Do they have the right to wave your chubby ass around like a fucking 1987 Dale Sveum Topps looking to dupe some retard into a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie? You bet your backside they do. It's a business. They pay you. They will gut you like a rainbow trout if they so choose.

Look, they're trying to fix this team. They've made some free-agent signings. Attempted to overhaul that gaping maw of a defense.

You're a legit player. You know it. They know it. Everyone knows it. Whose jersey is best represented in the stands at Invesco? Yours. I sat next to a live, walking cliche in the Meadowlands, and the moron couldn't stop screaming your name.

I bought a goddamn shirt that says "JC Saves" and has you in a prayer position.

Grow up. Get over it.

Be a man and take this team to somewhere other than a .500 record and front-row seats in January.

Make that shirt mean "games" and "seasons" rather than "tempestuous hissy fits for the offseason."

*I couldn't climb the rope, but I never bitched about it. Instead, I kicked everyone's ass at ring toss.

Which J.C. did Jay Cutler play like?: Wk 2 Super Happy Fun Time Deflate the Raiders Edition!!!

Instead of my usual seat at the bar of The Puke Castle, I was in Long Island for a baptism. Among the highlights: a baby who, while probably muttering something like "baby cakes" ended up saying, repeatedly, what sounded remarkably like "Phoebe Cates"; the 80-something-year-old Priest, or Pastor, or whatever those cooky Catholics call him referencing football, the beach, taking the bus to school, and numerous other minutiae from everyday life on an extremely holy day; and, finally, watching the Jets game - and then the Raiders-Broncos OT - in a basement, on HD, with a bar stacked full of 18-year Jameson and Jameson Gold.

I still don't know what tastes better, though: fine, aged Irish whiskey, or the sweetness of fucking over the Raiders once again?

Actually, it could've been 418-year Jameson and Jenna Jameson Gold and it still wouldn't have been as good as seeing Sebastian Shankakowski's second kick clang off the top of the upright. Was it a dick move by Mike Shanahan to call the timeout seconds before the first kick was as straight as a lumberjack's axe? Sure. Was I rubbing my man clams in ecstasy when it worked? You bet your coin purse I was.

But, the reason we're here is, which J.C. did Jay Cutler play like? I didn't get to watch the game until Monday, and even then I had to skim over it at work. Nevertheless, here's the analysis.

First Half: Jay Cutler. Strong. Some very solid throws, and one very poor one (the pick to Morrison). It's easy to forget that it's only his seventh start.



Second Half: John Clayton. Scraggly. Weak. Scary at times. The interception was not his fault (it was tipped at the line), but he did take a safety in the fourth quarter of a close game (and to Gerard Warren, whom the Broncos had recently cut, no less).



OT: Jay Cutler. Sure, he only completed two passes on the winning drive, and the receivers did most of the work, but he got them in position to win and that's all that matters.


Hey, it's 2-0. Probably the weakest, shakiest 2-0 ever, but it's 2-0 either way. Maybe they've been blessed.

Which J.C. did Jay Cutler Play Like?: Week One