Which J.C. did Jay Cutler play like?: Wk 2 Super Happy Fun Time Deflate the Raiders Edition!!!

Instead of my usual seat at the bar of The Puke Castle, I was in Long Island for a baptism. Among the highlights: a baby who, while probably muttering something like "baby cakes" ended up saying, repeatedly, what sounded remarkably like "Phoebe Cates"; the 80-something-year-old Priest, or Pastor, or whatever those cooky Catholics call him referencing football, the beach, taking the bus to school, and numerous other minutiae from everyday life on an extremely holy day; and, finally, watching the Jets game - and then the Raiders-Broncos OT - in a basement, on HD, with a bar stacked full of 18-year Jameson and Jameson Gold.

I still don't know what tastes better, though: fine, aged Irish whiskey, or the sweetness of fucking over the Raiders once again?

Actually, it could've been 418-year Jameson and Jenna Jameson Gold and it still wouldn't have been as good as seeing Sebastian Shankakowski's second kick clang off the top of the upright. Was it a dick move by Mike Shanahan to call the timeout seconds before the first kick was as straight as a lumberjack's axe? Sure. Was I rubbing my man clams in ecstasy when it worked? You bet your coin purse I was.

But, the reason we're here is, which J.C. did Jay Cutler play like? I didn't get to watch the game until Monday, and even then I had to skim over it at work. Nevertheless, here's the analysis.

First Half: Jay Cutler. Strong. Some very solid throws, and one very poor one (the pick to Morrison). It's easy to forget that it's only his seventh start.



Second Half: John Clayton. Scraggly. Weak. Scary at times. The interception was not his fault (it was tipped at the line), but he did take a safety in the fourth quarter of a close game (and to Gerard Warren, whom the Broncos had recently cut, no less).



OT: Jay Cutler. Sure, he only completed two passes on the winning drive, and the receivers did most of the work, but he got them in position to win and that's all that matters.


Hey, it's 2-0. Probably the weakest, shakiest 2-0 ever, but it's 2-0 either way. Maybe they've been blessed.

Which J.C. did Jay Cutler Play Like?: Week One

Which J.C. did Jay Cutler play like?: Episode the First - Interrupted

Some of you may remember this feature from last year. If you do, kudos -- you are one of six. I was looking forward to resurrecting it this year because it was a long, painful off-season, and I wanted to enjoy football again. Sundays should be joyful. They should be fun.

Unfortunately, Sunday's Broncos-Bills game was anything but.

I'll admit I was geared up. Aside from a day in late March or early April, optimism abounds best in early September, when 53 men -- dressed somewhere between Mad Max and American Gladiator -- take the field in stupendous, combat-ridden euphoria, ready to do battle for their fans.

I, like many, were ready.

The facts of the day are this: Denver escaped with a 15-14 win over Buffalo after converting two fourth downs on the final drive, the field goal unit scrambling onto the field with scant seconds remaining just in time for Jason Elam to hit a 42-yard game-winner after missing two earlier in the game.

It was a thrilling finish, one that literally caused me to fall out of my seat, onto the ground. But the happiness was short-lived.

On the kickoff to open the second half, backup tight end Kevin Everett barreled down upon Bronco return man Domenik Hixon, taking him down with a helmet-to-helmet blow.

Everett did not get up.

Amid tons of boisterous Vikings fans, enjoying their lead over the Falcons, I sat quietly. I watched the replay and cringed. Everett attempted to make the tackle -- to do his job -- and fell with a "THUD" to the Earth. I knew it was bad immediately.

He may make a lot more than I do, but I do not stroll towards my computer in the morning thinking, "You know, I may never walk again." It just doesn't happen.

It was a great opening Sunday. There's no denying that. Just remember that for some, it could've been their last.

The Pretzel Factory would like to extend the heartiest of wishes to Kevin Everett and his family. Good luck on the long road ahead.

Miss Teen South Carolina Previews the AFC

We here at the Pretzel Factory are honored to have a special guest: Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 and future Surreal Life star Lauren Caitlin Upton is with us this week to take a look at the upcoming NFL season.

We're going to break the interview up into two parts: the AFC and the NFC. We'll propose one major question for each team, and let Lauren get after them, South Carolina-style.

Tomorrow will be the NFC. Today: the AFC.

AHCtP: Despite losing last year's AFC Championship to the Colts, the Patriots are the trendy pick to go all the way based on their acquisitions of Randy Moss, Adalius Thomas, Wes Welker and others. Do you see New England returning to the top?

LCU: I really think that the Tom Brady and, um, our construda will be the thing that brings their to, uh, a champion, such as a more effective, umm overall passing attack.

Interesting. Now, with the New York Jets, is Thomas Jones really the answer to the departure of Curtis Martin at running back?

It was very devastatingly when I believe the Toni Braxton break-up is, uh, terrible to them in that our Mangenius, is, umm pigeonholed by Chad Pennington's lack to the ball and throwing it, uh, down field.

Good point. Now on to Buffalo, where highly touted rookie Marshawn Lynch out of Cal takes over for the departed Willis McGahee. Can he succeed?

It was, well, very obvious to the I think, The Departed was very good, such in Leo DeCaprio looked amazingly amazing but he acteded believable so in as to assume, I strongly feel, academy was honoring Martin Scorsese, umm, for an body of, we overall work.

Uh ... ok, that's not really what we were going for on that one, but ... in Miami, their QB situation last year of Joey Harrington and Daunte Culpepper was a complete mess. They countered by bringing in 37-year-old Trent Green. They've got a good defense, but can they score?

It is clear to me that the Joey is a, uh, [pause] [breath] [eyes dart down and to the left] show not as funny as in not as funny as the Friends, while I truly do, umm, hope that us U.S. Americans never did like the Trent Green's style of, uh [... long pause ...] Dottie Pepper.

What? Dottie Pepper? She's a golfer. And did you mean Tom Green? Ok, we're going to just skip the team-specific questions and go by division. In the AFC North, the Ravens have their superior defense and, just maybe, enough offensive firepower to hold off the Bengals and the Steelers. Who do you see coming out of one of the toughest divisions in football?

[Laughs, brushes hair away from her face]

What's so funny?

To me, I find it irony that this is supposed the umm, tough division but for the all teams to have they such a homosexualistic tendencies, with what the Bengals and cross-dresser in the photos of Chris Henry, such as Steely McBeam the mascot and uh Brady Quinn which is why the Ravens will say 'No More!' and will such as they can win every game easily.

I guess I never thought of it that way. Moving to the AFC South, the reigning Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts look to once again dominate this division. Can Jacksonville, with their talented defense but spotty offense, Vince Young-but-gifted Tennessee, or the historically inept Texans put a dent in the king's crown?

It is to my knowledge that the Peyton Manning is better than, uh anyone else to have host the Saturday Night Live.

You're not even trying anymore! Seriously, we had to do some very forgettable things to your mother to get you here; the least you could do is give us one pure, sentient, football-related thought about the AFC West. Please. We beg you.

With Norv Turner taking the helm in San Diego, domination and tremendous success will give way to bad clock management and even worse game management. The Chargers still have enough talent to win the division, but with half a year under his belt, Jay Cutler and a revamped Broncos D -- fresh off the signing of Simeon Rice -- look primed to challenge the Bolts for West supremacy. The Chiefs could be a major factor, too, especially if Larry Johnson can put up monster seasons like the last two. Despite having the overall number one pick, the Raiders still have holes in just about every position, and shape up to be two wins for every other team in the division.

Holy shit. That was great! What happened there? And why did your voice sound deeper?

I ... I don't know what you're talking about. By the way, I was drinking coffee on the plane the other day, and I noticed that th--

Wait a minute -- Peter King, is that you? Do you have your hand up Miss Teen South Carolina's ass? Go on, get out of here! Go turn in 2500 words on how the bust sculptor at Canton won't be able to adequately capture Brett Favre's stubble. Ms. Upton, are you OK?

I personally believe that us teenage blondes don't have enough, uh, access to the anal fisting by slovenly overweight sportswriters, ummm, because we such as...

Oh christ.