Monday, September 11, 2006

A Completely Terrible Way to Start the Season


You know what's fun? Wake up near where the Polo Grounds used to be at 10:30 after five hours of sleep; then take the subway all the way back to Brooklyn to get your Al Wilson jersey; go back to Manhattan; drink too much too fast; watch your team commit three turnovers in the first 20 minutes of game time; hear way too much from the drunken asshole at the end of the bar who, before the game, said he was from the St. Louis area but didn't really follow the team; find yourself asleep at the bar because you've averaged 5 1/2 hours sleep the last week; sign your tab in shame as everyone looks at you in pity; get some chicken on the way home; pass out in the middle of eating it; wake up at 2 in the a.m. with what feels like a hangover, which it probably is, because, technically, you just slept roughly your aforementioned 5 1/2 hours; watch Adult Swim until 4 a.m.; then have trouble falling asleep.

Javon Walker failed to make that catch. Well, he failed to make a few others, too.

But it wasn't his fault. Not completely, anyway.

Nope. That would be the entire offense.

So, now, I give you a list of things that look better than the Broncos offense did on Sunday:

  • an impending colonoscopy
  • Tony Siragusa in a cocktail dress (stuffed into a little, white Porsche)
  • the socio-political climate in Darfur
  • Beaches
  • this thing that happened to my thumbnail once in high school, where I peeled off the top layer of it around the half-moon and it grew back full of puss, and whenever I had to shove it into my first baseman's mitt it hurt like a sonuvabitch
  • the bathtub after my roommate showers
  • Charlize Theron in Monster
  • any episode of "According to Jim"
  • every picture I've ever seen in the medical textbooks I see at work
  • Whitney Houston after a vacation to Colombia
So, yeah.


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