Tuesday, October 17, 2006

A Completely Hearty Welcome And, After That, A Tiny Observation

First and foremost, We (ahh, it's good to say that) welcome with open space bars Business or Leisure?, a truly great and fantastic individual.

A quick list of some of his accomplishments:

- Summited Mt. Everest while reading "Into Thin Air" and listening to Pink Floyd's "Fearless" on endless repeat. Also, while wearing only adidas basketball shorts, a white t-shirt, and flip-flops.
- Feeds stray cats.
- Clinton Portis's first media-day alter ego, Southeast Jerome, loosely based on him.
- Wears a lot of headbands because, well, he JUST FUCKING CAN.
- Has a TV sitting on top of another TV but is not, remarkably, a redneck.
- Single-handedly defeated Napoleonic forces at Waterloo, using only a candle and some seashells.
- Invented gravity.
- Dumped Jessica Alba when she became, in his words, "too needy."
- Those six-foot-long party subs? That's a snack, man. A snack.
- Caused the Cardinals' collapse Monday night against the Bears by calmly remarking, "They'll fuck it up somehow."
- Realized that the infinite mind can only comprehend that which does not contain it; all time intervals can subsequently be split in half, so that the past, present, and future are essentially as one; and that while humans make up less than .00000000000000000001 of one-trillionth of one percent of the entire population of the universe, the cruel irony is that we are the only ones who can comprehend its scope AND write poetry about it. And he did this while watching "Punk'd."
- Plans to name his first-born son "Inferno."

So there you have it. Read his intro post - you won't be disappointed.

And, on to the observation...

I had jury duty today. They showed a video (hosted by Ed Bradley and Diane Sawyer, no less) which said, basically, Hollywood dramatizes courtroom events because in real life, it's boring.

No shit.

But isn't that how everything is? The hospital is not filled with a bunch of hot, young, one-lining doctors. There just aren't that many high-profile murder cases to go around. All life is mundane and tedious and needs sprucing up.

All, that is, except sports. The first true reality television. If you go to jury duty, you sit in a room and read. And then you get assigned to a I-slipped-on-a-grape-in-your-store civil suit, which has all the sexiness and charisma and excitement of a down syndrome spelling bee.

But if you and some buddies get together to play hoops, or touch football, or whatever? There's ten tons of drama. You're yelling. Screaming. Talking ungodly amounts of trash. And it's always, always fun.

That is all. Again, read below. You'll like it.

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