Miss Teen South Carolina Previews the AFC

We here at the Pretzel Factory are honored to have a special guest: Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 and future Surreal Life star Lauren Caitlin Upton is with us this week to take a look at the upcoming NFL season.

We're going to break the interview up into two parts: the AFC and the NFC. We'll propose one major question for each team, and let Lauren get after them, South Carolina-style.

Tomorrow will be the NFC. Today: the AFC.

AHCtP: Despite losing last year's AFC Championship to the Colts, the Patriots are the trendy pick to go all the way based on their acquisitions of Randy Moss, Adalius Thomas, Wes Welker and others. Do you see New England returning to the top?

LCU: I really think that the Tom Brady and, um, our construda will be the thing that brings their to, uh, a champion, such as a more effective, umm overall passing attack.

Interesting. Now, with the New York Jets, is Thomas Jones really the answer to the departure of Curtis Martin at running back?

It was very devastatingly when I believe the Toni Braxton break-up is, uh, terrible to them in that our Mangenius, is, umm pigeonholed by Chad Pennington's lack to the ball and throwing it, uh, down field.

Good point. Now on to Buffalo, where highly touted rookie Marshawn Lynch out of Cal takes over for the departed Willis McGahee. Can he succeed?

It was, well, very obvious to the I think, The Departed was very good, such in Leo DeCaprio looked amazingly amazing but he acteded believable so in as to assume, I strongly feel, academy was honoring Martin Scorsese, umm, for an body of, we overall work.

Uh ... ok, that's not really what we were going for on that one, but ... in Miami, their QB situation last year of Joey Harrington and Daunte Culpepper was a complete mess. They countered by bringing in 37-year-old Trent Green. They've got a good defense, but can they score?

It is clear to me that the Joey is a, uh, [pause] [breath] [eyes dart down and to the left] show not as funny as in not as funny as the Friends, while I truly do, umm, hope that us U.S. Americans never did like the Trent Green's style of, uh [... long pause ...] Dottie Pepper.

What? Dottie Pepper? She's a golfer. And did you mean Tom Green? Ok, we're going to just skip the team-specific questions and go by division. In the AFC North, the Ravens have their superior defense and, just maybe, enough offensive firepower to hold off the Bengals and the Steelers. Who do you see coming out of one of the toughest divisions in football?

[Laughs, brushes hair away from her face]

What's so funny?

To me, I find it irony that this is supposed the umm, tough division but for the all teams to have they such a homosexualistic tendencies, with what the Bengals and cross-dresser in the photos of Chris Henry, such as Steely McBeam the mascot and uh Brady Quinn which is why the Ravens will say 'No More!' and will such as they can win every game easily.

I guess I never thought of it that way. Moving to the AFC South, the reigning Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts look to once again dominate this division. Can Jacksonville, with their talented defense but spotty offense, Vince Young-but-gifted Tennessee, or the historically inept Texans put a dent in the king's crown?

It is to my knowledge that the Peyton Manning is better than, uh anyone else to have host the Saturday Night Live.

You're not even trying anymore! Seriously, we had to do some very forgettable things to your mother to get you here; the least you could do is give us one pure, sentient, football-related thought about the AFC West. Please. We beg you.

With Norv Turner taking the helm in San Diego, domination and tremendous success will give way to bad clock management and even worse game management. The Chargers still have enough talent to win the division, but with half a year under his belt, Jay Cutler and a revamped Broncos D -- fresh off the signing of Simeon Rice -- look primed to challenge the Bolts for West supremacy. The Chiefs could be a major factor, too, especially if Larry Johnson can put up monster seasons like the last two. Despite having the overall number one pick, the Raiders still have holes in just about every position, and shape up to be two wins for every other team in the division.

Holy shit. That was great! What happened there? And why did your voice sound deeper?

I ... I don't know what you're talking about. By the way, I was drinking coffee on the plane the other day, and I noticed that th--

Wait a minute -- Peter King, is that you? Do you have your hand up Miss Teen South Carolina's ass? Go on, get out of here! Go turn in 2500 words on how the bust sculptor at Canton won't be able to adequately capture Brett Favre's stubble. Ms. Upton, are you OK?

I personally believe that us teenage blondes don't have enough, uh, access to the anal fisting by slovenly overweight sportswriters, ummm, because we such as...

Oh christ.