Thursday, March 26, 2009

BASEBALL PREVIEWS: the Eastern Division of the American League

1) The Yankees of the ever-powerful New York City-State: Once C.C. Sabathia finds a Big and Tall store close to the stadium, he will hit his midseason stride. I mean, he's gotta be more comfortable in his academic and judicial robes, capes and moo-moos than the constraining pinstripes. Following his lead, AJ Burnett will take to Bajas-- even in the summer. Gotta stay comfy. With a new Steinbrenner in place, the world is the Yanks oyster-- Johnny Damon will wear his own beard, Mark Texeira will dress in super-cool denim suits and bring his attache case to the field with him at all times. Robinson Cano will rock Cross-Colours gear (fresh!), and upon his return, Alex Rodriguez will be super casual in his all-cotton Hanes undershirts. Look who they've got their Hanes on now! In a show of excellence, Xavier Nady isn't even going to wear a glove until he involved in a trade to the Padres for Jake Peavy somehow. All this comfort will pay off to the delight of the new class of Yankee fans-- finally comfortable in their own skin as well. What a wonderful world. The World Series, much deserved, awaits!

Favorite Song: That "Keep Truckin'" song that the Grateful Dead did.
Favorite Movie: Ordinary People

2) The Rays of the fervently humid Tampa Bay walled complex: The lord is kind to David Price, allowing him three wishes this year. Being a young upstart, however, he squanders the wishes on "winning the wild-card," "not getting a hilarious pie-in-the-face," and "winning something important this year." Too bad, young one. You will learn. On a lesser note, Scott Kazmir will finally reveal his "Mets ForFuckingEver" tattoo that he got in the minors. It remains his second-biggest regret, behind his collection of of M.A.S.K. trading cards that he finally admits will never be worth anything.

Favorite Song: "Theme from Aladdin (I Can Show You the World) by Peabo Bryson and some trick"
Favorite Movie: Aladdin

3) The Orioles of the air-conditioned Baltimore crab castle: With a new extension in tow, Nick Markakis can finally get around to his favorite, favorite activity. Finding illegal aliens and hunting them for sport. After setting a record for three in one day, he is fined by the team for being late to a meeting. Furiously, he pulls out a buck knife, runs across the stadium and slices Peter Angelos' throat while screaming, "I DIDN'T WANT THIS WAR. YOU DID." The Orioles reverse all fines levied and go on a tear to finish above .500 for the first time since Jimmy Carter ruined our country by letting all those evil banks run amok. All of my Orioles previews have Peter Angelos dying, I think.

Favorite Song: "If You Want Blood" by ACDC (or the Mark Kozelek cover can suffice)
Favorite Movie: The one where Busey tries to hunt down Van Peebles 'cause he's black or gay or homeless or whatever

4) The Blue Jays of the friendly northern Toronto sex-compound: ROBOTS.
Favorite Song: "We are the Robots" by Kraftwerk
Favorite Movie: Short Circuit 2: Shorter Circuiter

5) The Red Stockings of the ramshackle hut that is Boston: Well, it comes down to this. Theo Epstein's gambles don't pay off and when they don't he tries the kookiest, craziest idea of them all: combining all of his injured pitchers into one super-pitcher. Brad-John Pensmoltakashaizolyo. Unfortunately, he's not good with the brain combination, and this supercreature immediately runs off of the mound and begins ripping muscles out of Mike Lowell and Jason Bay. Once he feasts on Pedroia and Jed Lowrie, he finds himself still hungry-- but one man stands in his way. Youk has climbed the monster and wrestled down the Citgo sign. In a wave adrenaline, he screams, "BACK TO HELL WITH YE, YE FILTH-RIDDEN MONGREL." After crushing the monster, the credits roll and the Red Sox forfeit the season.

Favorite Song: "Monster Mash" by whoever the hell wrote it.
Favorite Movie: Now filming: Youk v. Pensmoltakashaizolyo 2: The Reckoning-birds.

Oh, and my picking Boston to finish last is trying to make up for the fact that Phony picked his team to win the NL West last year.


will said...

how dare you disgrace regina belle in such a manner.

Phony Gwynn said...

Let's see if I can do this...

1) his academic and judicial robes, capes and moo-moos

Basically, CC is the black Homer. Especially wearing a moo-moo. You know who Homer hated? Milhouse.

2) [Kazmir's] collection of of M.A.S.K. trading cards

Milhouse once bought a bunch of POGs because he thought they were returning to prominence.

3) [Markakis finds] illegal aliens and hunt[s] them for sport.

One of Milhouse's POGs was ALF, who was "coming back. In POG form." ALF was an alien and, presumably, illegal.


One can only assume that ALF was portrayed using some basic form of animatronics.

5)Brad-John Pensmoltakashaizolyo

This was the name of the man who played the father on ALF.

By the way, picked my team to win "it"?