Tuesday, March 31, 2009

BASEBALL PREVIEWS: the Western Division of the American League

There's only four teams in this division, and two of them have never even made the World Series. So why do we care? Well, why do you love your step-brother? Oh. You don't? You're a horrible person.

1. Emanations of a Divine Being Sent to do their Bidding

Sometime after the All-Star break the Angels, struggling, lethargic, and morose, will come across a unique nugget of information: star outfielder Vladimir Guerrero is not 34, as he revealed in a spring training interview - when he was thought to be 33 - but is, in fact, 395. He was born in 1614 to elderly parents in what is now the Dominican Republic. Upon releasing him to the Gods of the sea because they were too feeble to care for him, he landed in Florida where he was cared for by Seminole Indians. When he was 14, he stumbled upon the Fountain of Youth. He told no one. 383 years later he will use this knowledge to repair Ervin Santana's elbow and John Lackey's forearm. Gary Matthews Jr., however, will be told to go suck one. Side note: when he first met new closer Brian Fuentes in camp, Guerrero looked at the awkward-looking, acne-riddled lefty and said "Oye, tu tambien?" Fuentes had no idea what the fuck was going on.

Record: 93-68
Will beat the Yankees even though they have no business doing so, then get swept by the Red Sox

Favorite song: Meatloaf's cover of "Wind Beneath My Wings"
Favorite movie: Dogma

2. Calisthenics and Exercise Personified by a Giant, Slow, Fat Mammal

At some point during the year forest fires will rage in California, and Jack Cust will be prohibited from batting anywhere in the state. The power and frequency of his swings and misses only serves to empower the flames. Fans will bring signs pleading for A's manager Bob Geren to sit the slugger for the sake of the citizens. He will comply, for 1) he shows compassion and empathy, two signs of a great and wonderful man, and 2) Jack Cust sucks.

Meanwhile, new addition Matt Holliday will kick the living shit out of Justin Duchscherer in RBI Baseball in the clubhouse. Orlando Cabrera will sit and watch but never be invited to play. Eventually, he'll start watching Season 2 of "Entourage."

Record: 82-80

Favorite song: "Pimp the Ho" by Too $hort
Favorite movie: Operation Dumbo Drop

3. Badge-wearing Enforcers with Lonestar State-wide Jurisdiction

In late August, when the Rangers' playoff hopes have once again been beat into the Texas dirt, Jarrod Saltalamacchia will team with American composer Salvatore Macchia to start "Salt a la Macchia," a spice store specializing in salt shaped like musical instruments. For some reason the didgeridoo will be the most popular. Fellow catcher Taylor Teagarden will offer his services for a cafe in the back, but will be rebuked. Nobody puts salt in tea.

Record: 77-85

Favorite song: "No, Not Now" by Hot Hot Heat
Favorite movie: Blazing Saddles

4. Steerers of Ships Once in the Air, Now on the Sea, None of Which Go Anywhere

You know that one episode of Itchy & Scratchy where Itchy sawed off the Space Needle and the tip of it landed in Scratchy's eye? And he ran around with it comically sticking straight up, like a circus performer balancing something on their chin? Yeah, that'll be this year. Only more painful, and occurring more often.

Record: 69-93

Favorite song: "Nothing to Say" by Soundgarden
Favorite movie: Winless in Seattle ... and Oakland, and Chicago, and New York, and Cleveland, and Boston, and Kansas City, and ... No, Wait, We Can Win Some in Kansas City

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