A BIRTH, of sorts.

Our kid sister site, Muting Michael Kay is born!

LOVE HER THE WAY YOU LOVE US.

Outside the Aviary: "F-F-F-Foolin'..."

A report from Yankees stadium on Sunday (and another Red Sox victory).

I love fooling Yankee fans. Nothing beats doing it over the course of a Red Sox series either. It's like the dieting commercials you see on TV-- you can eat anything you want and still lose weight! It's simple-- wear anything you want without Red Sox paraphernalia on it and cheer as loud as you want for them! It's a guaranteed good time.

On Sunday, a particularly timid and tame group of Yankee fans filed into the section in which I sat. The combination of terrible pitching and losing record was beginning to grate on them-- you could tell. The kids in front of us were bored off of their asses by the fourth-- dumping peanut shells and stabbing holes in the plater's program faces with a pencil. The fans were yelling more at Mets and Rangers fans than they were at blatant Red Sox fans walking in and out of their seats. They were like a lame duck Presidential speech or a long-winded National Anthem rendition. It was as if the fans were ready for April to end rather than looking forward to the game's conclusion.

And with good reason, I suppose. Their Yankees, as has been well documented, are miring themselves in yet another slow start. This April, however, is different for one solitary reason: suspicion. When the Mets were ready to overtake the Braves last year, there was an attitude of, "Well, their due, but I can't pick against the front runners." People knew that the right amount of pitching mismatches and lineup adjustments had been made. The Braves were rife for domination, but the "hump" is never easily overtaken.

The stadium was never abuzz-- even in the ninth when Giambi came through with a double, even when Doug Mientkiewicz hit a three run job, and even when Alex Rodriguez came up in critical situations (welcome back Little Momma!). With last year's darling of the staff pitching, the fans were listless, yet unable to boo. They were in a conundrum-- there is no one to blame (injuries being the main reason) and no one to love. No heroes, no goats.

I know their pain. Last year's end of season came at the hands of a healthy Yankee squad versus a patched-together pitching dynamic including detritus from all over (Kyle Snyder?! Starting?!). The leftovers still remaining from last year were a past of the unraveling that could have happened in two innings: Tavarez unraveled in the third (wlks and a HR) and Timlin pitched a shaky eighth: (Jeter's HR and the tying run reaching the on-deck circle). The fact that the series is 5-1 thus far rests on the shoulders of new pitchers on both sides. Last year's domination has no carryover with Diasuke Matsuzaka or Jeff Karstens; Jose Vizcaino or Hideki Okijama. I understand the injuries, and stared from the stands at a team bereft of answers.

That's the biggest fool job on the Yankees this year. The trades of Randy Johnson and Gary Sheffield may have strockpiled arms, but it doesn't plug holes. The Craig Hansens and Manny DelCarmens of the world are always on the cusp of ready. The Julian Tavarez guys are always in between good stretches. The Sean ("Robin Wright") Henns are always struggling to strike out the superstars of the league. All of this on top of inefficiency an d injury. It's the "smart" plan. It's the "hope" plan. When the clutch comes calling, do you want to watch Sheffield hack at a high hard one, or do you want Melky Cabrera or a 65% Damon or a struggling Abreu? I know these questions well.

The doubts are planted, and the Stadium is full of them. Most of all, there is a lifelessness right now. Of course, when I go in May, June and onward, the attitude will change. I'm sure the standings will change. But, more importantly, will the suspicion? The general rumblings are unsure-- as shaky as a Chase Wright fastball over the heart of the plate. The fans are occupied and languid for now. Will they come alive? Right now, apparently, not enough to worry about two guys in regular clothes celebrating right in front of them as Manny rounded the bases or as Alex Cora slid into third safely. Apparently, not enough to stick around while Giambi stood on second with his tenth multi-hit game or as Papelbon stood ready to deliver. Apparently not enough to hide their sneaking suspicions.

All this, and no one even noticed the shit-eating grin on my face. They were fooled, I suppose.

Little Momma: the Scenarios

As you know (or if you don't, welcome!), we Pretzeleers are a fair breed unless it comes to the Bronx. It would take a real stubborn asshole not to consider Alex "Little Momma" Rodriguez's start astounding. Sure, it's early and, yes, October is when champions are truly crowned, but Little Momma is kicking ass. It's prompted ESPN to take their coverage of him to new heights (focusing on his triumph last night despite the Red Sox improbable victory).

I'm catching Little Momma fever, and since Michael Kay decided to break out A-Rod's projected stats every time he came up to bat last night, I am going to play out several scenarios that could unfold this season.

Scenario 1: A-Rod continues his tear through the season without ever getting cold. He hits 134 HRs 265 RBIs and Michael Kay mutes himself by ripping a vocal chord or two talking about it nonstop. He then single-handedly lifts his team in the playoffs with a .366 average and 11 HRs in a World Series victory for the Yankees. Meanwhile, Bristol, Connecticut explodes.

Scenario 2: A torn vaginal muscle forces A-Rod to cool off while sitting out for a month or so. Little Momma ends up with a respectable 47 HRs and 138 RBIs and places 2nd in the MVP voting. He bats .275 with a HR in the playoffs during another early exit, but spots news contemplates whether he really recovered from that injury to his gash.

Scenario 3: A-Rod completely falls apart in June and struggles mightily at the plate before rebounding for a solidseason: 43 HRs, 125 RBIs and the MVP award. Little Momma just edges out Big Momma (Jeter) and Big Papi for the MVP before struggling in the playoffs. Big Momma and Little Momma fight it out in the press before A-Rod opts out of his contract and signs elsewhere.

Scenario 4: A-Rod gets so confident he stops swinging altogether and has his personal assistant (Andy Phillips!) take his swings for him. Phillips does well, so A-Rods Stats are padded nicely. When Joe Torre wakes up around mid-July, he decides to punish A-Rod by making him play the field (something handled by fielding assistant Phillip Hughes). Torre is fired, Little Momma continues to have other do his dirty work and ends up with 35 HRs, 123 RBIs and tons of errors wile the Yankees miss the postseason.

Scenario 5: A-Rod cools off for awhile, and then sparks a late run to win the AL East, but struggles in the playoffs. He still wins the MVP award. The press hounds him. He leaves New York to play for the Angels. He puts up amazing numbers for a long time. He makes the Hall of Fame.

Scenario 6: The Yankees are so surprised by Little Momma's numbers, that Steinbrenner decides to use him to populate his horse farm. A-Rod so loves his new job that he begins running with a crowd of the most popular horses on the farm. He retires from baseball (at the end of what turns out to be a disappointing season-- 31 HRs, 101 RBIs) to concentrate on horse racing. He dominates his field-- the fastest horse in history-- until cracking his foot during an important race. Despite an outpouring of affection from fans, media and internet groups, Steinbrenner puts Little Momma down in the Spring of 2009. Little Momma becomes the first human-horse breed to make the horse racing and baseball hall of fame simultaneously. Jeter makes the induction speech calling him, "truly on of a kind-- a SUPERHORSE."

Scenario 7: At some point in the season, Little Momma decides he won't play until he gets a raise. He hires Drew Rosenhaus to begin negotiations and keeps Boras on to look slimy and menacing in press photos. Meanwhile, A-Rod begins showing up to games in a T-shirt reading "Fuck You, Pay Me." He levees some pretty mean fines. The two headed monster of Borasenhauser renegotiates Momma's contract to a five year deal for 212 million and part ownership of Gambia.


Feel free to let me know what YOU think is possible, or just agree with one the above scenarios in our always available and seldom loved comments section.

AL East Preview

We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the American League East, friends!

Boston Red Sox: I don't really think this team can win this division or make the playoffs in my heart of hearts, but I can't pick the Yankees. So, there it is. The Red Sox will win the East because I want them to. At the all-star break, with a two game deficit, Curt Schilling will change the name of his blog "Muting Michael Kay" after Kay says that the Yankees would be better off signing a younger pitcher in the off-season. This will prompt Kay to challenge Schill to a wrestle off. Little does Schill know, Kay is dirty. Mariano Rivera will sneak into the ring and hit Schill with a chair and Kay will scream "SEE YA!" before pinning Schill to win. Manny Ramirez will decide that this injustice must be avenged and will set a second-half RBI record propelled by an 11 RBI night against the Yanks eliminating them from playoff contention. Big Papi will laugh from the dugout heartily while carting Schill around with a wheelchair that is internet ready. Wins: 100. Playoffs: WS. Also, I'm a Red Sox fan. Thought you should know.

NY Yankees: Aside from the Michael Kay distraction, the Yankees will face their largest A-Rod distraction ever when the fans and media decide to start preening and petting him no matter what his role is in the clutch. He will become so enamored of himself that he will grow his hair into a lustrous main and refer to himself as SUPERHORSE. SUPERHORSE will hit for average, power and gallop around the basepaths with the reckless abandon of a young Enos Slaughter. Derek Jeter, jealous of SUPERHORSE's preening and newfound media-love, will refer to A-Rod as "Little Momma" during an ESPN Sunday Conversation in which he was shitcanned drunk. This will prompt both players to actively dive into the stands after EVERY foul ball causing irreparable facial structure damage to both men. Because of this, Hideki Matsui will declare himself (very humbly) to be the most handsome man on the team. Meanwhile, the team will suffer it's worst winning percentage in a long time: well above .500. Wins: 90. Playoffs: probably, but I'm not granting that honor on anything NEAR Giambi.

Toronto Blue Jays: Wait, there's a team in CANADA? What the hell is that about? I mean, COME ON. BJ Ryan plays In CANADA? Who's in charge here? Let's get these guys a real stadium in a real AMERICAN city for Christ's sake. Has Detroit got a ballclub right now? What about Anaheim? Don't worry, fellas. We'll take care of this right quick like. Doc Halladay don't pitch for no pansy-ass CANADIAN team for pussy nor money. One quick note: is there anything scarier than the bird Toronto designed to be the mascot? Holy living FUCK. That thing will kill us all. Seriously, did the guy who did makeup for The Crow make this? Wins: 87. Playoffs: Nah.

Baltimore Orioles: It all comes crashing down on opening day, doesn't it? Kevin Millar will make the papers for the first time in June when he hits a walk off dying quail to raise his average to .234. He will use the interview to rail against Peter Angelos' irresponsible running of the team. When he disappears, no one will mind or even notice. A clone of Nick Markakis will take his place and Angelos will name him Kevin Millar 2: Millar Time. A big hit, the clone will lead the league in smiles until he realizes the team is having yet another losing season mired toward the bottom of the East. Millar 2 will march into Angelos' office screaming CRUSH KILL DESTROY before realizing that he cannot destroy his master. The two will be married in August. What a nice little story. Wins: 71. Playoffs: Get the fuck outta here.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: They got these big chewy pretzels here blaughtkdnguthgl. OK, in all seriousness, this team will start with the worst record in history until they sign Brewer, Horford and Noah and win 15 in a row to end the season. Still, it's no reason to go caring about a team that has a perennial spot on the spoiler list that Gammons does on Baseball Tonight every year. Wins: 59. Playoffs: We doin' it big. My Devil Rays know what I'm talking about.