Saturday, April 21, 2007

Little Momma: the Scenarios

As you know (or if you don't, welcome!), we Pretzeleers are a fair breed unless it comes to the Bronx. It would take a real stubborn asshole not to consider Alex "Little Momma" Rodriguez's start astounding. Sure, it's early and, yes, October is when champions are truly crowned, but Little Momma is kicking ass. It's prompted ESPN to take their coverage of him to new heights (focusing on his triumph last night despite the Red Sox improbable victory).

I'm catching Little Momma fever, and since Michael Kay decided to break out A-Rod's projected stats every time he came up to bat last night, I am going to play out several scenarios that could unfold this season.

Scenario 1: A-Rod continues his tear through the season without ever getting cold. He hits 134 HRs 265 RBIs and Michael Kay mutes himself by ripping a vocal chord or two talking about it nonstop. He then single-handedly lifts his team in the playoffs with a .366 average and 11 HRs in a World Series victory for the Yankees. Meanwhile, Bristol, Connecticut explodes.

Scenario 2: A torn vaginal muscle forces A-Rod to cool off while sitting out for a month or so. Little Momma ends up with a respectable 47 HRs and 138 RBIs and places 2nd in the MVP voting. He bats .275 with a HR in the playoffs during another early exit, but spots news contemplates whether he really recovered from that injury to his gash.

Scenario 3: A-Rod completely falls apart in June and struggles mightily at the plate before rebounding for a solidseason: 43 HRs, 125 RBIs and the MVP award. Little Momma just edges out Big Momma (Jeter) and Big Papi for the MVP before struggling in the playoffs. Big Momma and Little Momma fight it out in the press before A-Rod opts out of his contract and signs elsewhere.

Scenario 4: A-Rod gets so confident he stops swinging altogether and has his personal assistant (Andy Phillips!) take his swings for him. Phillips does well, so A-Rods Stats are padded nicely. When Joe Torre wakes up around mid-July, he decides to punish A-Rod by making him play the field (something handled by fielding assistant Phillip Hughes). Torre is fired, Little Momma continues to have other do his dirty work and ends up with 35 HRs, 123 RBIs and tons of errors wile the Yankees miss the postseason.

Scenario 5: A-Rod cools off for awhile, and then sparks a late run to win the AL East, but struggles in the playoffs. He still wins the MVP award. The press hounds him. He leaves New York to play for the Angels. He puts up amazing numbers for a long time. He makes the Hall of Fame.

Scenario 6: The Yankees are so surprised by Little Momma's numbers, that Steinbrenner decides to use him to populate his horse farm. A-Rod so loves his new job that he begins running with a crowd of the most popular horses on the farm. He retires from baseball (at the end of what turns out to be a disappointing season-- 31 HRs, 101 RBIs) to concentrate on horse racing. He dominates his field-- the fastest horse in history-- until cracking his foot during an important race. Despite an outpouring of affection from fans, media and internet groups, Steinbrenner puts Little Momma down in the Spring of 2009. Little Momma becomes the first human-horse breed to make the horse racing and baseball hall of fame simultaneously. Jeter makes the induction speech calling him, "truly on of a kind-- a SUPERHORSE."

Scenario 7: At some point in the season, Little Momma decides he won't play until he gets a raise. He hires Drew Rosenhaus to begin negotiations and keeps Boras on to look slimy and menacing in press photos. Meanwhile, A-Rod begins showing up to games in a T-shirt reading "Fuck You, Pay Me." He levees some pretty mean fines. The two headed monster of Borasenhauser renegotiates Momma's contract to a five year deal for 212 million and part ownership of Gambia.

Feel free to let me know what YOU think is possible, or just agree with one the above scenarios in our always available and seldom loved comments section.

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