Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Body Part Interviews, #1: Jerramy's Junk

We'll admit, first and foremost, that we didn't watch Monday Night's game between the Seahawks and the Raiders. (At least I didn't.)

When you're a fan of a team (in this case, the Broncos) and you grow up hating the mere mention of a team, let alone the visage of those painted, spike-studded-shoulder-pad-wearing, 500 SAT-scoring trilobites from the Bay Area, you wish them all the luck in the world, as long as it's bad.

Well, these Raiders are bad. On offense, anyway. So when they take their ineptitude to the national stage, you'd rather just look away. This team, these ... monsters, these silver-and-black clad crazies, used to bring out the best in you, your team, and your fandom.

Not so much anymore. So instead of watching them get washed away into the abyss of the Pacific, I ate some macaroni and cheese and watched the last three episodes of Season 1 of "The Wire." Because if you haven't seen that show ... damn, what a good f#!%ng show.

But the events that took place near the end of said game, when Raiders defensive end Tyler Brayton (a CU Buffalo, by the way) tried to effectively ensure that Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens would never, ever procreate again, are what we are interested in today. Because you see, we here at the Pretzel Store are going to start interviewing athletes ... 's body parts. I mean, really, how many times can you hear the old cliches before these millionaires just start sounding like the teachers from "Peanuts"? There are far too many Michael Jordans and far too few Gilbert Arenas's (quotationly speaking, of course).

No, we must hear it from the source. The torn hammys. The weak hearts. The engorged egos. And, based on the (semi) timeliness, what better way to kick -- er, knee -- things off than with Jerramy's Undeniably Numb Kids?

Phony Gwynn: How are you feeling?

J.U.N.K.: Fine, man, fine. Been restin' up, ready to bust.

PG: Are you sure? Because, well, to be honest, you ... you don't look so good.

J.U.N.K.: No?

PG: No, not really. I thought you'd be ... well, a little more tanned. More of a brass color, really.

J.U.N.K.: You think you'd look like Denzel at the Oscars after a 280-pound sociopath rams his knee right into your mouth? How do you think you'd look?

PG: Probably not too hot. But Jerramy did make some big predictions before the Super Bowl last year. Especially for a guy who, up to that point, had averaged 27 catches, 307 yards and three touchdowns a year.

J.U.N.K.: Look, man, all he said is that we were going to win the game. What, you want him to say we're going to lose? That just because that fat-ass Bettis was born in that shithole town we should just lay down like dogs? Is that what you want?

PG: No, not at all. But then he went out and dropped some key passes, and-

J.U.N.K.: Who caught Seattle's only touchdown? I repeat: who caught Seattle's only touchdown?

PG: Jerramy Stevens.

J.U.N.K.: That's right. So are we here to talk about me, or Jerramy? I mean, it's not like I'm busy or anything. No, it ain't like me, Sue Bird and Lauren Jackson aren't gonna get some sushi, a few apple martinis, and roll around in some fig leaves for a few hours or nuthin'. Nah, that wasn't supposed to happen in about 20 minutes or so.

PG: Ok, we'll try to wrap it up. So, about Monday night, how come Jerramy didn't look a little more ... unhappy with the incident? It looked like Tyler Brayton went straight for the kibbles 'n bits there with that knee. And pretty much every angle showed it to be a direct hit.

J.U.N.K.: Well, what do you want me to say? He's a tough guy? Look, I don't remember exactly what happened. Have you ever been shoved inside of an athletic supporter, which was then squeezed into them damn pants? Shit, I was probably makin' googly-eyes at his taint for all I know. There was a pinch, some commotion, and that was it.

PG: Are you ... I mean, you seem to be of pretty good size, and-

J.U.N.K.: What the hell did you just say?

PG: Nothing, nothing. (Coughs.) Umm, looks like you have a birthday coming up in a few days. You'll be, let's see ... 27.

J.U.N.K.: Yeah, yeah. Should be fun. I'm looking forward to it. I got a record coming out soon, too.

PG: Oh yeah? When does it drop?

J.U.N.K.: Super Bowl Sunday.

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