Saturday, November 11, 2006
Proof positive that Music is Dead, part 1
Apparently, Big Ron Artest’s album (album?) My World didn’t sell all that well. Soundscan numbers indicate that he sold, um, 343 CDs this week. Hey, it’s better than selling one. At this rate he should be platinum by January of 2032. We can only imagine how this topic was broached.
Record Exec: Send in Mr. Artest, please.
Artest: What’s goin’ on? You wanted to see me?
RE: Yes. Ronald. Hello. I wanted to talk about your album sales.
Artest: Is there a problem? (Artest clasps his left wrist and his eye begins involuntarily twitching).
RE: Oh… heavens, no! We, that is, well…
Artest: You got the numbers. How’d I do? (Artest begins staring at a picture of the executive’s family).
RE: Yes, the news is… that is to say, I’ve seen the numbers, and while I don’t know them offhand, I—
Artest: (rocking back and forth) Motherfucker—
RE: Let’s, uh, ahem. Let’s put it like this. We thought you were doing poorly, but it seems that Soundscan made an error, and your sales have skyrocketed!
RE: Indeed. It’s a markup of over 300%.
Artest: Cool, man. Yo, I gotta peace, man. Good looks, yo.
RE: Pleasure to see you again, Mr. Artest. (Exec begins crying a little).
As for us, we’re waiting for the local 99 cent store to pick the album up. Then, and only then, will we truly understand Ron Ron's world.
Birthed from the mind of Jeff Laughlin at 10:27 AM