Outside the Aviary: "This Is All Just Hearsay..."

Outside the Aviary is proud to present a feature that will preclude the beginning of each season in sports: the Outside the Aviary forthcoming happenings column! This marks the first time I’ve done this on a grandiose (read: unread blog) scale, and it begins with the NCAA Basketball season. I’m only covering a few of the roughly 650295869503 teams in contention—my apologies to most of the conferences I just don’t care about. Here’s part one: The Atlantic Coast Conference.

North Carolina: Amidst a successful season, Coach Roy Williams will inadvertently cause a stumble in his teams’ season by admitting that a) Duke has a cooler mascot and b) Sidney Lowe will become the new Everett Case. The players, dejected, will turn to their fan base for help. That fan base, however, will be indulging a bit in their quest to become the least knowledgeable fan base in basketball history. Their heads, firmly lodged in their stupid asses, will not heed the cries of a team in need—a team on the brink. After a disappointing 18-12 season, they will make the NCAA tourney when Dean Smith blows some acceptance committee members. Acidentally witnessing this, Tyler Hansbrough will take his own goofy life. OK, so they'll actually finish with more than 20 wins. OK, so I do not like Chapel Hill, NC. I will not apologize.

Duke: Before the second Duke v. UNC game, Shelden Williams (f/ Jay Williams) will give an inspired talk over one of his signature hip hop beats. He will then field questions from the team. The questions will include: 1) Can I ski from your forehead? 2) Didn’t Paulus want to play football? 3) How did you stay in Durham so long? God, what a vapid fuckhole. 4) You’re seriously retarded, right? Inspired, the team will win it’s game, get a #1 seed, and lose in the third round to, um, someone actually good. Ok, so I do not like Durham. I will not apologize.

Maryland: A quick note here: in two separate games of the Coaches v. Cancer Classic the other night, Anthony Mason Jr. (yes, that Anthony Mason) and DJ (“Son of Darrell”) Strawberry were on the court. I went to Madison Square Garden to see this. Needless to say, I heckled—a ton. Best night ever. As for Maryland's season, it all pales in comparison to holding that elusive "Coaches v. Cancer prsented by 2k Sports Trophy. Gary Williams’ head will explode this year, and Lefty Drissell will come out of retirement. He will lead them to prominence. Still, they have no point guard that can handle pressure. With their NCAA bid, Lefty Drissell will announce his bid for Presidency of the Confederacy. This will cause commotion. Lefty likes commotion.

Georgia Tech: after the city of Atlanta is burned to the ground, Paul Hewitt will relocate the team to Athens and rename them Georgia 2: Tech Harder. They will win the ACC Tourney with vengeance on their mind, and make a run toward the NCAA title. Just remember Hewitt, the shell of a ghost of a man that once was a resemblance of Bobby Cremins is watching. You will pay for the team you inherited. YOU WILL PAY.

NC State: Um, do I have to do this? Damn. Holler at me, Sid Lowe. I gotchoo, son. Not this year, but I feel you in, like, three. Four? Until then, keep y’head up, playa.

BC/Miami/other non-O.G. teams: No thanks. Get another league to ruin the sanctity of, why don’t you? Sure B.C. will make the tourney, but who expects them to matter?

Wake Forest: I can’t name one player on this team. I don’t know that I’ll need to. Skip Prosser may have to punch the opposing players’ nuts himself this year. Prosser will do so, but if nuts get punched and no one is watching—does anyone hear the stilted man-screams?

Virginia/Clemson: These two teams will battle, once and for all, for Orange domination. The winner gets to, um, keep their awesome color. The loser? They are resigned to hang back with Florida State at the bottom of the ACC Standings in perpetuity forevermore so we don’t have to care about them anymore. Overpopulation means you gotta kill some of the beautiful animals sometimes, kiddo.

Regular Season Winner: UNC (Ugh. I just vomited in my mouth a little.)

Tourney Winner: Georgia Tech

NCAA Bound: Duke, UNC, Georgia Tech, Maryland, BC

Note: This may be the only one I do. I just don’t have it in me to care about a billion college kids through the nation. We’ll see.