Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Outside the Aviary: "Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Baaaaaaack."

I’ve watched a ton of football in my short life, and I can say, without a doubt, that the closest thing I’ve seen to team suicide is hiring Norv Turner on as head coach. In his seasons with Washington, I never saw a more frustrating coaching style (until his eventual predecessor Steve Spurrier, the anti-Schottenheimer). Between penalties, clock management and horrific personnel decisions, I spent three years trying to forget the eighties championship teams. I tried to erase the overall concept of the Washington Redskins having an historical significance in my life. It was not until the 8-8 ball club that succeeded him that I could stand to watch my team every week.

Of course, this delighted me when he got a job with the Oakland Raiders. Finally, another team could witness the putrid display of coaching and lack of discipline that stymied my Redskins into believing in Spurrier. The same results came in—the same announcers lauded the decision to bring him in, the same pundits attacked his penalty-ridden joke of a team and the same hope was given to a coach who stood no chance of pulling them out of their quagmire.

Now Dallas stands on the brink of a decision. It can hire some newfangled coach with no experience or an older guy with tons of NFL team ruining savvy. Honestly, I think I’ll probably cry with joy the day Dallas (alongside number 81) adds Turner to their programs. He won’t even get to hire his own offensive coordinator—the job of restoring Romo’s psyche falls on Jason Garrett. Once again, an owner with a control problem is going after a pawn to fill a hole in a disappointing few seasons. Turner has been very ready and willing to be that pawn.

My prediction? Thought you’d never ask. Turner will get the job. I’m pretty sure he has the personality of a snake charmer in interviews, but when you need someone to stand around on the sidelines until you groom a successor, he’s the guy. In his third week, I’m sure the receiving corps will be standing around a pig’s head on a stick screaming KILL THE BEAST! CUT HIS THROAT! SPILL HIS BLOOD! I can only hope they don’t. I want to see three years of Norv in Big D. It’s just enough rebuilding time for the ‘Skins to take over a weak NFC EAST—one that by then Eli Manning will be murdered by the NY Post and the Eagles will have finally foisted a new folding chair of a quarterback due to McNabb's next injury.

Just let Norv come and I will welcome him back to the NFC East. Hell, I’ll even have some respect for Cowboys fans. We can yell NORV! together as the penalty yards and losses pile up like the shit storm of “What’s wrong in big D?” ESPN stories. Just let that roseate face brighten my Sundays. Oh merciful God, please let Chris Mortensen be right. Please let the Cowboys destroy themselves. It’s all I ask for Michael Irvin to speak so well of NORV! It’s all I ask to hear Tom Jackson hint at a problem with discipline. It’s all I ask for insiders and Sporting News columns on how the players are unhappy. It's all I ask for Terrell Owens, Jerry Jones and Norv Turner to join forces. I want this. Football needs this. Just let it happen.

Postscript: please feel free to use Google image search on NORV! It's pretty great. Other than the 3 smiles you get and the old pic of him pre-coaching, it's pretty much the same thing over and over: grimaces and stonefaced staring. Yes. If this thing doesn't happen, just consider my next post to be a list of things I'll do to see NORV! in a Dallas windbreaker. It will be a promising list-- believe you me.


Signal to Noise said...

It's like the owners pass Norv around from team to team (as coach or O-coordinator) like cheap schwag. Looks like it's time for Jerry Jones to take a rip, but Dallas fans will be the ones with dry mouth.

Norv gave us Manning Face before we even knew what it was, really.

Business or Leisure? said...

Agreed. An furthermore, when he signs, the last three coaches will have been: Turner, exasperated Parcells, and Chan Gailey. Yes.