Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Madam, I'm Adam

Aside from the obvious problems that most people have with Pacman Jones -- the enormous waste of talent; the blatant "I-don't-give-a-FUCK" attitude; the profession of feeling guilty about doing the things he does, even though he obviously relishes in being a bit of a badass -- I've got another one: his first name.

True, nobody really even calls him "Adam" anymore. (He's listed as Pacman Jones over on the league's site, but, curiously, he's no longer listed over at the WWL -- and neither is Tank Johnson, although Chris Henry still is. Pretty interesting, if you ask me.) But it's my name, dammit, and the name "Adam" has a long, sad history in the world of sports. Recently, anyway. We'll start with Pacman and work towards the (gulp) winners.

Adam "Pacman" Jones
Where do you start with this guy? The waste of talent? The modification of the old dollar-bill-on-a-string trick (instead of one dollar bill and a piece of string, just throw $81,000 around and then ask for it back)? The fact that in that clip they've shown about four million times on tWWL, it looks as if he's chewing on the little plastic thing that's attached to price tags? I'm going to go to great lengths to find out if there's any possible way I can legally get you to remove "Adam" from your name. Once and for all.

Why he's like me: We both like watching women get naked. Oh, and I'm black.
Why he's like the first man: That apple/strip club looks good.

Adam Archuleta
I was going to let my boy (and resident 'Skins fan) Business or Leisure? take this one, but he bailed on me. Jerk. Here's what I'm assuming he'd say: "Adam Archuleta should have his vital organs removed through his nostrils. Then he should be beaten with a bag of oranges, to be followed by a bag of rocks, to be followed by a bag of locks, to be followed by a bag of land mines. And he can only thrive in the Cover-Two."

Why he's like me: He's currently dating Playmate Jennifer Walcott. I'm currently masturbating to Playmate Jennifer Walcott (right).
Why he's like the first man: Association with serpents (or agents) telling them what to do (eat some forbidden fruit, sign with Washington).

Adams Eaton, Everett, Hyzdu, Kennedy, Loewen, Melhuse and Wainwright (the baseball bunch)
Adam Eaton pitched well for the Padres in 2005. Kennedy won the 2002 ALCS MVP after going yard three times in Game 5. Wainwright was pretty filthy in the playoffs last year.

You wouldn't recognize any of them if they didn't have their names on the back of their jerseys.

Adam Scott
He's Australian. He plays golf. He wins here and there.

He's here to break up the team sports monotony. And that's it.

Why he's like me: I like shrimp. And Barbie.
Why he's like the first man: Australia was originally a colony of prisoners, and could you imagine being stuck in a garden with just one chick? "Honey, when are you going to mow the lawn? Should we put some tomatoes over here? Do you like daffodils?" That, my friends, is a prison.

Adam LaRoche
Had a breakout year in 2006 with Atlanta, belting 32 homers and driving in 90. Subsequently got shipped to Pittsburgh for Mike Gonzalez, and that trade hasn't really worked for either team. On the plus side, his last name makes me think of MXC's Guy LeDouche, and thinking of anything related to MXC makes me smile.

Why he's like me: He suffers from ADD. I do, too, until I smoke weed.
Whe he's like the first man: According to Wikipedia, he likes fishing and hunting. Those are things I'd imagine you'd have to enjoy if there were no 7-11's around.Adam Dunn
Bigger than a recently broken-up Eastern Bloc nation. Stronger than a shot of kerosene and walrus piss.

Misses more often than your three-year-old niece at Wiffle ball.

Here's his ten similar batters at baseball-reference.org: Ron Kittle, Pat Burrell, Jim Gentile, Henry Rodriguez, Nate Colbert, Tony Conigliaro, John Jaha, J.D. Drew, Nick Esasky, Bo Jackson.

If there's one rule in baseball, it's that you don't want to be on any list with John Jaha and J.D. Drew.

Why he's like me: We're both about six-and-a-half feet tall, throw right and bat left.
Why he's like the first man: Both were nicknamed "Big Donkey."

Adams Deadmarsh, Foote, Graves and Oates (the hockey bunch)
Deadmarsh and Foote helped my Avalanche to the Stanley Cup in the '95-'96 season, their first in Colorado. They were crowd favorites, and even though they declined (Deadmarsh got concussions with the Kings, Foote got old with the Blue Jackets) they were still quality, championship players. Graves was a solid left winger for the Rangers for over a decade (he also played for the Red Wings, Oilers and Sharks), and was by all accounts one of the good guys. Oates -- aside from having one of the steeliest stares in all of sports -- was probably one of the most creative centers of the last twenty years.

Adam Vinatieri
Four championship rings. Three game-deciding field goals on the biggest sporting stage (at least one that's held more often than once every four years). That title that hangs above an athlete's head like a gold, diamond-encrusted halo: clutch. When you make Peyton Manning a champion, you deserve to be at the top of some sort of list.

Why he's like me: We both know how to split the uprights.
Why he's like the first man: Fig leaves, field goals -- same thing.

So that's it. A bunch of hockey players and a kicker. Oh, and this guy. I mean, I'm happy for him and all, and I wish him luck in his future endeavors, but ... c'mon.

Thanks for cementing my athletic failures, mom and dad.

1 comment:

Business or Leisure? said...

Adam Archuleta: Always makes me think of the time Homer read off the words "You are gay" and laughed really hard. What a maroon (too bad he never actually played in the color).

There's yer sentences. Sorry.