AL East Preview

Yeah, it's time again. The Baseball season is ALREADY FUCKING HERE, so we're previewing the whole shebangs the only way we know how: by making shit up. Today is the AL East, currently led by the Boston Red Sox by .5 yen, er, games.

Boston Red Sox-- Yeah, I know, I picked 'em last year to win it all merely by bias. But I was still right. In any event, things will be cruising along early-- a halfway decent 15-7 record-- when Manny Ramirez decides he's going to war. Citing his "hatred of the terrorists", he will report to Theo Epstein his desire to serve his country. Theo, shrewd man that he is, will still trade his rights for two players to be named later and the working arm of Nomar Garciaparra from the Dodgers (AKA Red Sox West). With these parts, and the hair the Marines shave off of Manny, Theo will create a hybrid player named Hydroponic Jones. He will hit for the cycle in twenty straight games before violating drug policy, leaving the Sox with a platoon of Coco Crisp and Brandon Moss. Record: 95-67, World Series.

New York Yankees-- The team will respond well to Joe Girardi's principled, military-style discipline until they lose a key game to the Angels in midseason. Joe Girardi will describe A-Rod as a prima donna in a media leak. Misunderstading his new manager, A-Rod will think he said Pre-Madonna. A pouty, unhappy A-Rod will fire back and say that he is the "Queen of Baseball. Madonna isn't fit to soil my cleats." He will slump after hearing snickers from his teammates every time he settles in for the next pitch, causing the Yanks to falter in the second half. The laughter will stop, however, when Jason Giambi's old tumor problem comes back in the form of a second head that takes over his body and destroys itself. Charged by the loss of a teammate, and by Hank Steinbrenner's annexation of Tampa Bay, they will make the playoffs, only to lose in the first round again. 93-69, ALDS losers.

Tampa Bay Satan Fish, er, Rays-- I have no idea what is going to happen to this team, but I got a hunch they're due to launch from the depths to the semi-depths. I do think, however, that Joe Madden will opt to have Rocco Baldelli repaired bionic man style from spare parts of his first car ever-- a Yugo. Also, Scott Kazmir will evolve into the ace that noone cares about on a team few think exist. He'll be like a violet in a field of dead bulls. GO RAYS GO. 80-82, no playoffs.

Toronto Blue Jays-- A mediocre start will prompt A.J. Burnett to try to throw nothing but fastballs in one game. As a result, shards of his shoulder and back will coat the front row of fans. A class-action lawsuit will take up most of the team's attention and Troy Glaus will testify that Burnett "always wanted it this way" in a tearful moment. Meanwhile, the team will suffer the indignity of a 14-game losing streak while Vernon Wells goes on strike for more pitches to hit. Oh, and they lose the lawsuit on grounds of, um, disgusting. Yeah, that'll do. 75-87. Playoffs? Not a chance.

Baltimore Orioles-- The entire city of Baltimore will rise up like flames and overthrow Peter Angelos. A radical sect of this movement will advance on Washington DC and burn down RFK Stadium, forcing the Nationals to play in Richmond at the R-Braves AAA stadium. They will advance, an angry horde thirsty for the blood of baseball's elite. Yankee stadium will fall, Fenway next, David Ortiz's body covered in the blood of Bartolo Colon, Detroit razed like London in 1666 and then, in the grandest design of all, Bud Selig will be removed in the bloodiest coup in MLB history. Meanwhile, the team blows and they didn't really want this anyway. 50-112. Playoffs? Good Morbid God THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD.