Yeah, it's time again. The Baseball season is ALREADY FUCKING HERE, so we're previewing the whole shebangs the only way we know how: by making shit up. Today is the NL East, brought to you by Will aka billyfabs, writer of the Mets-centric Smear The Queer, a Kristeva-influenced moniker befitting rabid sports homerism and athlete-desiring homoism. (Ed. note, billyfabs is the reason to wake up in the morning... seriously.)
New York Mets-- Yeah, like I was really going to predict anything less than this. So they ended last season by choking harder than Pierce Brosnan in Mrs. Doubtfire, so what?! (Didn't that shrimp still look delicious? I love shrimp.) They went and got Johan Santana, who will win 20 games and hit seven home runs and cure cancer and buy you a dog (or parakeet, if you're allergic and/or totally lame). Pedro Martinez will ask to borrow your parakeet for, uhhhmm, no reason. John Maine will continue to be the only white boy in the rotation, as well as the most under-appreciated (ban affirmative action! No, not really. I'm brown). Sometime in May, El Duque will have finally found enough caulk and spirit gum and rubber bands to put together a body currently ailing of bunions, cavities, migraines, dead arm, hangnails, menopause, gout, and scurvy to emerge as the Mets' most effective starter until he goes down in August due to a bee sting. He bequeathes his rubber bands, et al to Moises Alou. Finally, David Wright will cause another seven thousand men to question their sexuality. Record: 97-65, World Series.
Philadelphia Phillies-- Pedro Feliz is one happy peter to not be playing for the Giants anymore. Lamentably, Philadelphians will not shower his performances with anything approaching brotherly love. Jimmy Rollins will field more grounders with his big mouth than his glove, while newly-minted starter Brett Myers will hit more Mets in the head than he does his wife [/obligatory]. Seriously these guys began spring training talking about starting a brawl with the Mets. Just because Rocky's from your town doesn't mean Carl Weathers still won't own your ass, guys (and yes, I am aware that I am comparing the Mets to Carl Weathers. Baby, they got a stew goin'). You stay classy, Philly! Totally not reinforcing those negative stereotypes at all! Meanwhile, Kyle Kendrick will be traded to Paris Hilton for one of her chihuahuas. Record: 85-77, no playoffs
Atlanta Braves-- His reconnaissance mission over, Tom Glavine returns to Atlanta with scouting reports of every Mets hitter, neglecting to realize that I shit faster on mornings after a full night of burritos and whiskey (read: Tuesdays, approximately 10:24 AM) than he can throw, thus negating his espionage. Jeff Francouer adds a banana-eating shitpuff grin to go along with his curious at-bat facial arsenal of smirk/grimace. Having harumphed through: a) a fight with John Smoltz, b) losing the Gold Glove to David Wright, and c) the Braves being left out of the Mets-Phils "We're the team to beat!/"No we are!" pas de deux, Chipper Jones's career ends after he contracts a severe case of vaginitis. Meanwhile, Bobby Cox don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 12 ejections. Record: 81-81, third straight season without a postseason appearance. Again: Bobby Cox don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Washington Nationals-- So the Mets got rid of Paul Lo Duca and Lastings Milledge, their two enfants terribles in exchange for two nondescript whiteboys who SURELY won't give Omar Minaya any headaches (anti-Semitic remarks notwithstanding). Not to mention Elijah Dukes, who will enjoy many a club-hopping with Lo Duca. Oh, and Dmitri Young is still on this team, right? Delicious. Who can pay attention to the presidential race when the real DC drama will take place in brand new Nationals Park? I'll kinda miss the shitbox that was RFK. Record: 76-86, playoff chances looking about as good as John Edwards' campaign did
Florida Marlins-- This team still exists? Huh. Record: 62-100, no playoffs but will probably win World Series in 2011