Thursday, June 26, 2008

Some Suggestions For Mr. Black

It's no secret at all that the Madres possess one of the worst offenses in the Major League baseballs. With Jake Peavy and Chris Young both having spent some time on the DL this year, Trevor Hoffman not quite being his HOF self, and Mark Prior being, well, Mark Prior, runs are at a premium for this team.


Therefore, here are some things that Bud Black can do to scare up some offense in San Diego.

  • Replace the 6-8 hitters with a bat taped to a weather vane stuck into the batter's box and hope it's windy that day
  • Clone Adrian Gonzalez
  • Trade for Tony Gwynn Jr., hope nepotism works as good in baseball as it does in the U.S. government
  • Draft Steve Detwiler
  • Introduce Khalil Greene to certain things: women, booze, comedic films, masturbating, chocolate, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Patton Oswalt, porn (internet and otherwise), mild hallucinogens, Ana Ivanovic, card games, medium-rare steaks, etc.
  • Find a time machine, enter "Brian Giles: 1999-2002"
  • Give everyone those big Flintstone-looking wiffle ball bats
  • Punch somebody. Anybody. Anything. Get all Jerry Manuel-esque and threaten somebody's life with a switchblade
  • Sign the other three members of the Fantastic 4 so Scott "The Thing" Hairston feels more at home
  • Deal Paul McAnulty for Det. Jimmy McNulty (if he can pound a baseball like he pounds pussy, watch out)
  • Read Broken Vessels by Andre Dubus - I am (thanks to BorL) and it's phenomenal. Plus, it's got to be a gillion times better than watching this team attempt to hit the goddamn ball
  • Go out and get somebody with some MOTHERFUCKING SPEED (next-to-last in SB with 24, one more than the Pirates)
  • Spread gasoline, light match. Move over about 10 feet, repeat. Keep repeating until all is nothing
I'd be funnier, but I can't. This team is killing me.

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