Therefore, here are some things that Bud Black can do to scare up some offense in San Diego.
- Replace the 6-8 hitters with a bat taped to a weather vane stuck into the batter's box and hope it's windy that day
- Clone Adrian Gonzalez
- Trade for Tony Gwynn Jr., hope nepotism works as good in baseball as it does in the U.S. government
- Draft Steve Detwiler
- Introduce Khalil Greene to certain things: women, booze, comedic films, masturbating, chocolate, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Patton Oswalt, porn (internet and otherwise), mild hallucinogens, Ana Ivanovic, card games, medium-rare steaks, etc.
- Find a time machine, enter "Brian Giles: 1999-2002"
- Give everyone those big Flintstone-looking wiffle ball bats
- Punch somebody. Anybody. Anything. Get all Jerry Manuel-esque and threaten somebody's life with a switchblade
- Sign the other three members of the Fantastic 4 so Scott "The Thing" Hairston feels more at home
- Deal Paul McAnulty for Det. Jimmy McNulty (if he can pound a baseball like he pounds pussy, watch out)
- Read Broken Vessels by Andre Dubus - I am (thanks to BorL) and it's phenomenal. Plus, it's got to be a gillion times better than watching this team attempt to hit the goddamn ball
- Go out and get somebody with some MOTHERFUCKING SPEED (next-to-last in SB with 24, one more than the Pirates)
- Spread gasoline, light match. Move over about 10 feet, repeat. Keep repeating until all is nothing