No, seriously. I'm ... I'm fine.
I have a Best Actress Oscar, and a Worst Actress Razzie. How many people can say that?
CERTAINLY NOT YOU JESSE, OR YOUR INKED-UP HARLOTS AND STRIPPER SLUTS!
5. San Diego Padres - The Padres recently had to trim their payroll after former owner John Moores got divorced, citing "irreconcilable differences." You know what that means, right? PHILANDERING ASSHOLE.
Record: 9-153 (splitting the 18 games against L.A., since you can't lose them all)
4. Los Angeles Dodgers - Speaking of philandering assholes, how about Frank McCourt? I love that this happened to the owners of two of the five teams in California, and neither of them signed a pre-nup.
Wait, what? It was actually Jamie McCourt who was reportedly unfaithful? Pffffft. Whatever. I'm sure she did it to get back at him. Good for her.
Record: 9-153 (splitting the 18 games against S.D., since you can't lose them all)
3. San Francisco Giants - I hope somebody looks out for Aubrey Huff on this team. I mean, it's great that a woman has made it to the major leagues (come to think of it, why hasn't a bigger deal been made of this? Seems like a pretty monumental achievement!), but with these millionaire hot-shot professional athletes flaunting about on the road, picking up groupies and floozies left and right ... I'd just hate for poor Aubrey to be used and abused. Watch out, Aubrey. Keep your head on a swivel.
2. Arizona Diamondbacks - The Tattooed Bastard Who Shall Not Be Named was in a sex rehab clinic in Tucson.
That's totally perfect. He's a snake.
1. Colorado Rockies - Apparently, the Rockies are a God-fearing, Christian team who abhor filth and obscenities and pleasures of the flesh. That's why I'm glad they're going to win this division. This sport needs some religion.
No. Seriously? Oh, Jesus Christ. I give up.
Loss in NLDS