Nicholas Sparks Previews the National League Central

Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing here. Is this a sports blog? Named after a Simpsons reference? There was a time, when I was growing up, when cartoons were for kids. They were there to make you laugh. Rockets, trampolines, shotguns plugged with a finger - these were the claptrap of an animated world. Not extended Citizen Kane riffs and obscure pop culture references. (I Pagliacci and Thirty Two Short Films About Glenn Gould? Really? Get down off your high horse, pencil-drawn geek.)

I really can't explain why I'm here in the netherregions of the internet. I write wonderful, wistful, coming-of-age Love stories. Greek tragedies. Real drama.

Baseball? I'm more of a football guy.

6. Houston Astros - You know what I hate about Texas? All those damn Cormac McCarthy books. Take Blood Meridian, for instance. I'd trash it, but I've already done so on a much larger stage. I mean, what - you write long paragraphs filled with five-word sentences that describe the color of the sunset, and you don't use things like quotation marks, and that gets you a Pulitzer? Blow me. I've had Ryan Gosling and Diane Lane star in adaptations of my work. Which do you think I prefer?

Oh, the Astros? They'll suck. Like Cormac McCarthy.

Record: 71-91

5. Pittsburgh Pirates - I'm working on a pirate love story. It's about a blacksmith who crosses paths with a scurvy pirate who has just escaped execution. Together they come across a princess/fair maiden type who needs rescuing, or some such thing, because she's kidnapped by a cursed pirate captain, and the blacksmith and scurvy pirate have to save her. The blacksmith is named Duke, the scurvy pirate is named McCutchen, the cursed captain is named LaRoche, and the princess/fair maiden is named ... oh, I dunno - Ohlendorf.

Record: 72-90

4. Milwaukee Brewers - Did you know that some asshole is making fun of me on the internet? Such petty shit. It reminds me of Prince Fielder, who got plunked not once but twice this spring by the Giants after showing them up on a walkoff homer celebration last year. Maybe they weren't throwing at him, but the ball just got sucked into him due to gravity. And that guy's a vegan? Talk about fiction.

Record: 77-85

3. Cincinnati Reds - Homer Bailey is a pitcher for the Reds. Homer also wrote the classics the Illiad and the Odyssey. Modern scholars call them the classics, that is, much like scholars in a few hundred years will call my books The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Nights in Rodanthe the classics. Me, Homer, and Shakespeare. Sounds about right.

Record: 84-78

2. Chicago Cubs - Speaking of assholes, here's what Chicago's own Roger Ebert said about me: "Sparks recently went on record as saying he is a greater novelist than Cormac McCarthy. This is true in the same sense that I am a better novelist than William Shakespeare. Sparks also said his novels are like Greek Tragedies. This may actually be true. I can't check it out because, tragically, no really bad Greek tragedies have survived ... To be sure, I resent the sacrilege Nicholas Sparks commits by mentioning himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. I would not even allow him to say 'Hello, bookstore? This is Nicholas Sparks. Could you send over the new Cormac McCarthy novel?' He should show respect by ordering anonymously." Pffft. How come you're not making TV appearances anymore, Mr. Typedy-Type? I'd give you a knuckle sandwich if you didn't have to liquefy it first.

Oh, and the Cubs eat ass.

Record: 85-77

1. St. Louis Cardinals - Answer something for me - is Albert Pujols the me of baseball, or am I the Albert Pujols of literature? That's a tough call. Tough call.

Record: 91-71
Loss in NLDS