Friday, March 30, 2007

AL West Preview

We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the American League West, friends!

Oakland Athletics: Dan Haren and Nick Swisher wills start their own version of the “Bash Brothers” before realizing that really hurts if layers of steroid-built tissue aren’t protecting your forearm. At one point, the media will ask Billy Beane is he is beating his players—there has been evidence of severe bruises on some players arms—and he will respond by ripping his shirt of and revealing the massive cuts that Kiko Calero has left on his chest during their many trysts in the past. Also revealed? A Kevin Youkilis tattoo under his right pectoral. While all this happens, Barry Zito will fax his resume over begging for his old job back, but the A’s will be cruising to a division title by then. They might even win a series in the playoffs. I’m running off of the weak teams overachieving rule, but what the hell. Wins: 95. Playoffs: Second Round.

Los Angeles Angels yada yada yada: Vladmir Guerrero will be this years’ AL MVP when he fuses himself with the leftover parts of Ted Williams—making him the most media-insouciant and terrifying man in the history of baseball. Donning the new name “Theoldmir Willuerrerams,” the artist formerly known as Vlad will break the homerun record, hit .417, break the hits record and play an excellent right field—all in two-thirds of a season before leaving to single-handedly fight the war on terror. Next year, when he returns, he will never play again, but slowly sway in a rocking chair in Tarboro, NC singing Army songs about the Koreans. This will lead Gary Matthews Jr. to honor the man by skipping the playoffs to create a new American Flag with Vlad’s old likeness on it. It will be ratified by congress and named “New Glory.” Wins: 91. No Playoffs.

Seattle Mariners: Ichiro will pronounce himself the world’s most eligible bachelor I an attempt to attract comely lasses of virtue true. The date he sets for marriage will put undue pressure on him, so he will get less than 200 hits. The day before his death, he will marry. It will end up being a Pakistani woman with a nose ring he meets in a park drinking alone. He will commit suicide by the sword calling himself “a disappointment to my home land and the Seattle Mariners franchise” on a whiskey stained note found outside of Courtney Love’s old apartment. The Marinewrs themselves will celebrate by playing inspired baseball to take third place from the Texas Rangers during the last week of the season. Ichiro would’ve wanted it that way… Wins: 72. No playoffs… again.

Texas Rangers: Sometime during the middle of the season, Ron Washington will begin pulling his hair out—one by one until he is completely bald. It will be weird (especially since the below photo shows he has little left). It will result in a long-standing standoffishness with the media and at one point Ron Washington will scream "Hell yes we deserve to win, and I hope win win it ALL!" Good point, Ron. That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change. On a positive note, Ian Kinsler and Frank Catalanotto will become good friends and split the cost on the “Bosom Buddies” DVD set. That’s nice. Wins: 70. Um, yeah, no playoffs to see here folks. Keep moving. And now...Ron Washington, ladies and gentlemen:

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