We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the American League Central, friends!
Detroit Tigers: Having bought a dozen copies of Tom Emanski's defensive drills instructional videos for all of his pitchers, Jim Leyland will put out a lit cigarette on Justin Verlander's forearm following a bad toss to first. The videos will be watched, and lessons learned. After a slump in early May, Gary Sheffield will come in from the cage and see Joel Zumaya and Sean Casey playing Guitar Hero 2 in the clubhouse. With one steely glare, Sheffield will fuse the molecules of the PlayStation 3 with Kenny Rogers's left arm, simultaneously healing the blood clot and erasing the brown stain, all the while turning Rogers into some kind of pseudo-cyborg. He will go 14-0 from that point on with a 0.21 ERA. In an overwhelming show of good grace, he will give every hitter he humiliates a $10 gift certificate to Kenny Rogers Roasters, which for some reason will make the multi-millionaires happy. They will be extremely disappointed, however, to find out that there is exactly one operating Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant in Ontario, California. Wins: 94. Playoffs: Eliminated in the first round.
Cleveland Indians: Grady Sizemore will be lured away from baseball by Calvin Klein for an unprecedented $150 million. Gigantic billboards of him in just his white undies will be plastered on the sides of buildings and on billboards all over the world. He will be feted by the elite, adored by supermodels, and envied by all. But he'll just miss gettin' dirty. The Indians will have traded for Kenny Lofton in his absence, and when Sizemore returns Eric Wedge will tell Lofton to go to the store to get some more resin. When he comes back, the team will have already left for Seattle. Travis Hafner, having subsisted for nearly a year on nothing but Pronk bars and hay, will hit a ball so hard during batting practice that it will ricochet off two of his teammates. The blast will be so potent that it will knock C.C. Sabathia's hat straight for the rest of the year and it will bump the "h" in Jhonny Peralta's first name to its rightful spot after the "o." Building on baseball's decision to include the Indians in a preseason Civil Rights game, Cleveland will sporadically drop in on various Native American reservations to shoot the elder tribesmen, use the babies as footballs, and let Trot Nixon rape the women. Paul Byrd will get the teenage boys. Wins: 93 (WC). Playoffs: Eliminated in first round.
Chicago White Sox: Jerry Reinsdorf will become so incensed with Ozzie Guillen's constant inflammatory statements that he will muzzle him after the All-Star break. Pretty much the entire world will be outraged that a human being could be muzzled like a greyhound, but it will actually work out for everybody. Despite a terrible first few months, including a start in which Jose Contreras gives up twelve consecutive home runs, the White Sox will rally behind the indomitable spirit of A.J. Pierzynski. In between being a Big Brother for seven different children, teaching blind orphans how to block balls in the dirt and running naked across Antarctica to raise awareness for antijaylenonitis (having virtually no chin), the sparkplug catcher will rally together his troops for a furious fight for the title. They will come up just short, though, when Bobby Jenks drunkenly mistakes Tadahito Iguchi for a spicy tuna roll and devours him on a late-night flight to Boston. Wins: 89. No playoffs.
Minnesota Twins: Watching "Borat" for the ump-teenth time in the basement of the place they share, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau's hands will meet when reaching for some Cool Ranch Doritos. Ironically, it will be during the nude wrestling scene; it will also bring about strange feelings in the young men. Soon Mauer, the All-American boy, and Morneau, the ... uh ... All-Canadian? boy will come out as the first bona fide superstar gay athletes. Torii Hunter and Rondell White will then beat the ever-loving shit out of both of them, rendering them incapable of any kind of love, be it men or women. After carrying the team for the whole year, Johan Santana will scream out on the hill in the Metrodome, "Are you fucking kidding me?!? Jeff Cirillo is our fucking DH? I'd rather have a corpse at the plate than that goddamn cocksucker!" The entire Dome will go silent; one young mother's head will actually explode at the profane display. Going from the team hotel to the stadium during a game in Tampa Bay, the Twins' bus will be nailed by a runaway semi. Facing almost certain disaster, the entire team will hide in Sidney Ponson's ass crack, thereby saving their lives. The team will be fine - investigators will have a hard time finding any remnants of the semi. Wins: 84. No playoffs.
Kansas City Royals: Mike Sweeney will eventually convince himself that David DeJesus is, in fact, Jesus. Trying to find new ways to understand and spread his faith, Sweeney will steal items from DeJesus's locker, and after he is caught sniffing a used jock he will be dismissed from the team. He will later be busted for bestiality. Proving the club's overall incompetence, one of the clubhouse guys will mess up Mark Grudzielanek's jersey, leaving "Grudzielanekkajolwacsekmennanopfeleskibrezelpithmayek" on his back. Nobody will notice until the fourth inning. In early September, the Royals will call me and ask if I'd like to pitch for them. I will tell them politely to stick it where the barbecue don't shine. Wins: Mid, high 40s? Playo...ah, shit, I almost actually typed it! Haha!