Fuck you, NASCAR

My blogmate, Business or Leisure?, recently had, shall we say ... an ... episode ... with his wireless provider, Sprint.

We here at the factory are not amused.

So, to counteract their nefarious business practices, shitty coverage, and overall twatfluffing existence, I say ...

FUCK YOU, SPRINT.

What do you have? Verizon has that annoying asshole with glasses, and the universally recognized best coverage (which is why their rates are the highest, natch). AT&T has the boner-inducing tech allure of the iPhone. T-Mobile has the G1 which, apparently, is pretty good. And they used to have Catherine Zeta-Jones, which is a big plus in my book.

What do you have, Sprint? What sets you apart?

Oh, right. NASCAR.

FUCK NASCAR.

Fuck you and your constant claims that you're the highest-attended sport in the country. Football would draw 250,000 a game, too, if THE FUCKING SPORT DEMANDED 12 SQUARE MILES OF PLAYING FIELD.

Speaking of fields, fuck the infields and the RVs driven in from all points ... south. I'm not going to make a Southerners joke, or an inbred joke, or a redneck joke, but ... how long has it been since a car going 190 MPH got bumped and careened like a flaming meteor into the middle of the track, taking half of a county in Alabama with it? Probably due. Probably due. Just sayin'.

Speaking of cars, fuck your decades-long resistance to foreign manufacturers getting some of that sweet, sweet sponsorship money. Actually, I see your point on this one. They're absolutely CRUSHING you in the domestic retail market; why should they be allowed to have racing, too? The big 3 were greedy, arrogant, and disrespectful, and now you're taking it right up the ass. Boo and fucking hoo for you. Until you make cars people actually WANT to buy, you deserve it.

Speaking of sponsors, fuck your absolutely Herculean effort to cover every Godforsaken square inch of your cars, drivers' suits, and TV screens with the ejaculation of capitalism. I work for a company that tracks product placement in TV shows. Can you even FATHOM what you've put me through? On Mondays I'd rather scrub my penis with sandpaper than time how long the fucking Quaker State logo was on the running order.

Speaking of drivers, fuck this old boys' network that begrudgingly accepts guys because they're from fucking California. Really? The fact that Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, et al. are whiter than copier paper isn't good enough for you? For the fuck of Lord, it's almost 2010. TWO THOUSAND TEN. This is why your sport is slowly dying. America is becoming less white, not more. And yet you stand your ground. Soon, it'll be you and golf. Well guess what? I can go out and hit a few balls, play a round or two. I can't go 200 in circles for five fucking hours. DIE.

Speaking of dying, that's what Mother Earth is doing. You know ... that green shit that was there before you put 46 metric tons of asphalt over it? Yeah, that. The small reservoirs of gas you burn up every fucking week are choking it to death. All so toothless dipshits can Ooooh and Ahhhh after a crash. Congratulations. Not only are you contributing to the dumbing-down of society, you're also slowly rendering it extinct. Actually, that's pretty clever.

Speaking of being clever ... BOYCOTT SPRINT. They make shitty commercials, shitty phones, and endorse shitty sports. Spread the word. Move to another provider. Ride a bike. Do anything, as long as it's to Sprint's detriment.

And do it quickly. Sprint, as it were.