BASEBALL PREVIEWS: The Central Division of the National League

Hey, kids! Wanna know why there's 6 teams in the NL Central, more than any other division in the major leagues? It's because most of the teams are located in the midwest and parts of the Bible Belt. Those people don't believe in condoms. More offspring, more people. More people, more baseball teams. It's simple math.

1. Babies of Bears

Having already won their first 20 games of the year, the Cubs will be feeling pretty good in late April. Then Milton Bradley will rip a vicious foul line drive into the crowd in Arizona, knocking the eye out of the socket of a 12-year-old girl. With a look of pained immediacy, Bradley will rush into the stands, grab a fan's keys, and re-attach the eye. When the girl passes out, Bradley performs CPR. When she goes into shock he hugs her, calms her, takes off his jersey and engulfs her within its polyester warmth. The D-Backs are so grateful, they forfeit the game. The karma continues and the Cubs roll on, unbeatable, loved, revered. In late July the Pirates take the unprecedented step of lobbying Bud Selig to give the Cubs all their wins on the season. Since Ted Lilly recommended a top-notch cardiologist to the commish, he happily agrees.

Record: 217-13
Lose in Game 7 of the NLCS after lightning hits Alfonso Soriano in the 9th inning (clear skies)

Favorite song: "Un-break My Heart" by Toni Braxton
Favorite movie: The Saw series, Hostel

2. Babies of Drunkards

It's 3 pm on a Friday. Prince Fielder is eating right now. A taco? A burger? A knish? A bowl of rice noodles? A horse? The possibilities are endless. BUT WILL HE EVER STOP?

The answer, sadly, is no. He balloons at an unprecedented rate and soon exceeds 4,000 lbs. Pretty soon Fielder doesn't even have to swing: any pitched ball will ricochet off his flab and out over the fence. Unfortunately he cannot round the bases, and his stunt is outlawed. He soon teams up with an Asian importer to run Prince's Quinces, and within two years the tree is in almost 2 out of every 3 American homes.

But he still won't talk to his dad.

Record: 87-75

Favorite song: "Rock and Roll McDonald's" by the Wesley Willis Fiasco
Favorite movie: Good Burger

3. Babies Who Will Grow Up And Not Make Babies

ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS.

Record: 83-78

Favorite song: "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses
Favorite movie: Sleepers

4. Babies of Communists

On a road trip in late May it's revealed that Homer Bailey isn't real. He's a cyborg built by home-schooled scientists in the Ozarks (hence the hair). I mean, Homer Bailey? Who names a child that? Definitely a cyborg. It all makes sense once you see this picture (scroll down). What you don't see, however, is "Homer" slicing that thing from the jaw to the jibble bits and rummaging around inside, just to see what's in there.

Also, at some point somebody has to see the similarity between Aaron Harang and Lurch. That's when the nickname Aaron "You Rang" Harang will take off. It's so perfect!

Record: 81-81

Favorite song: That one by the Flying Burrito Brothers that goes "Dah-Dah ding da da da barrrrrrump"
Favorite movie: Le Cercle Rouge 2: This Time It's in English

5. Babies of Celestial Beings

Date when the Astros are eliminated from the playoffs: June 27

Date when Roy Oswalt gives up, shoots Wandy Rodriguez with a double-ought shotgun, then borrows a hacksaw from the stadium crew, saws off the barrel, puts the freshly shorn end in his mouth and swallows a shell: August 19

Date when Lance Berman buys an actual puma: April 24

Date when Lance Berman shoots the puma: August 9

Date when Jose Valverde and Carlos Lee eat the puma: August 8

Record: 70-92

Favorite song: The theme song from "3rd Rock From the Sun"
Favorite movie: Plan 9 From Outer Space

6. Babies Who Grow Up to Steal Babies

We've already detailed what will happen to them, so ... please to enjoy.



Record: 0-162

Favorite song: Anything by Conor Oberst
Favorite movie: A live version of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, starring the puppets from Avenue Q and Ron Jeremy