Sunday, April 12, 2009

BASEBALL PREVIEWS: The Central Division of the American League

It's the end of the first week of the season and we're finally done with this nonsense. And, as of right now, the Padres are atop the NL West. Sure, it's only one week, and they've played all their games at home, but for now - right now, this very second - I can say, in all honesty, with impunity and feeling ... fuck you, Stan.

1. The Oligarchy

"Although we exist as separate entities, we are but one mind. And that philosophy, simply, is this: we will throw strikes; we will make all the routine plays, and many of the difficult ones; we will reform the downtrodden educational system; we will move the runner from 2nd to 3rd by hitting to the right side; we will fix the contamination problem in Lake Dumbbell; we will find out the mysterious ailment hampering Joe Mauer; we will not overuse Francisco Liriano; and we will find a way to lower the cigarette tax. Two minds are better than one, especially if that one is Carl Pohlad."

Record: 88-74
Lose to Red Sox in divisional round after a plucky fight

Favorite song: "Blue Collar Man" by Styx
Favorite movie: Brothers of the Head

2. The Tribal Council

"Dark times are these. Long have we been without Smiling Grizzly Bear and his left-handed arrows of death. Still, Sinkers from the Devil and Southpaw From Nowhere have bolstered our front line. But troubles in the tribe are many. We wait and tell stories of the past. And if by the middle of the month of rain and sun we continue down sad, sad path, we shall ask for tickets to Quicken Loans building to watch the Chosen One in the playoffs."

Record: 86-76

Favorite song: Anything by Gnarls Barkley
Favorite movie: Dances with American Werewolves in London

3. The Democracy

"This is ... well, to be honest, this is kind of a bad time for us. In the past, we were your only choice. You had old, white socks over here, and on the other ballot ... just another pair of old, white socks. Now, all of a sudden, it's cool to have black socks. We don't want to talk about fucking black socks, ok? Got me? We just want to go back to 2005, when you had two choices: white and white. Like a big, harmless, pale Mark Buehrle, or a fat, sweaty, translucent Bobby Jenks. Can we do that? Is that cool? Do you have a time machine? We'll buy it from you, you know. We're rich as shit."

Record: 85-76

Favorite song: "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue" by Toby Keith
Favorite movie: Frost/Nixon

4. The Dictatorship

"Listen up, you worthless pieces of canine anus. We're going to score some fucking runs. Got that? R.U.N.S. All up and down this goddamn diamond. We're going to score so much Vivid Video is going to produce our end-of-the-year DVD. And whenever we score 10 - or give up 10 - Miggy's going to cook a razorback in Magglio's hair grease and I'm going to smoke 4 packs of Marlboro Lights while fucking two 16-year-olds painting a portrait of me wearing a polar bear skin. We're the goddamn Tigers, assholes. Get fucking ready."

Record: 83-78

Favorite movie: Soy Cuba

5. The Monarchy

"Ahem. My people. You may look at the crown today, set against a robin's blue background, and not believe the fervor that once rippled through my body when that same crown shone of a gold so bright the Gods themselves shielded their eyes. You may not see the dried streaks of blood stained upon the sword, like so much pine tar stretched black and sick towards the barrel of the bat. We have fought before. We have won before. We have taken the field underrated, underprepared, and unafraid. Before, when you battled, when you pulled on your colors, you merely played for the names on the back of your jerseys. But now I humbly implore you ... I firmly beseech you ... I merely beg you on the knees of my father and my father's father that you - my brothers ... my sons ... my Royals ... I ask that when you step between those white lines that define us you spill your soul, your blood, and every ounce of yourself for us ... for your team ... for your City of Kansas!"

Record: 78-83

Favorite song: "Feel Good Hit of the Summer" by Queens of the Stone Age
Favorite movie: The Fisher King

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