Nicholas Sparks Previews the National League Central

Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing here. Is this a sports blog? Named after a Simpsons reference? There was a time, when I was growing up, when cartoons were for kids. They were there to make you laugh. Rockets, trampolines, shotguns plugged with a finger - these were the claptrap of an animated world. Not extended Citizen Kane riffs and obscure pop culture references. (I Pagliacci and Thirty Two Short Films About Glenn Gould? Really? Get down off your high horse, pencil-drawn geek.)

I really can't explain why I'm here in the netherregions of the internet. I write wonderful, wistful, coming-of-age Love stories. Greek tragedies. Real drama.

Baseball? I'm more of a football guy.

6. Houston Astros - You know what I hate about Texas? All those damn Cormac McCarthy books. Take Blood Meridian, for instance. I'd trash it, but I've already done so on a much larger stage. I mean, what - you write long paragraphs filled with five-word sentences that describe the color of the sunset, and you don't use things like quotation marks, and that gets you a Pulitzer? Blow me. I've had Ryan Gosling and Diane Lane star in adaptations of my work. Which do you think I prefer?

Oh, the Astros? They'll suck. Like Cormac McCarthy.

Record: 71-91

5. Pittsburgh Pirates - I'm working on a pirate love story. It's about a blacksmith who crosses paths with a scurvy pirate who has just escaped execution. Together they come across a princess/fair maiden type who needs rescuing, or some such thing, because she's kidnapped by a cursed pirate captain, and the blacksmith and scurvy pirate have to save her. The blacksmith is named Duke, the scurvy pirate is named McCutchen, the cursed captain is named LaRoche, and the princess/fair maiden is named ... oh, I dunno - Ohlendorf.

Record: 72-90

4. Milwaukee Brewers - Did you know that some asshole is making fun of me on the internet? Such petty shit. It reminds me of Prince Fielder, who got plunked not once but twice this spring by the Giants after showing them up on a walkoff homer celebration last year. Maybe they weren't throwing at him, but the ball just got sucked into him due to gravity. And that guy's a vegan? Talk about fiction.

Record: 77-85

3. Cincinnati Reds - Homer Bailey is a pitcher for the Reds. Homer also wrote the classics the Illiad and the Odyssey. Modern scholars call them the classics, that is, much like scholars in a few hundred years will call my books The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and Nights in Rodanthe the classics. Me, Homer, and Shakespeare. Sounds about right.

Record: 84-78

2. Chicago Cubs - Speaking of assholes, here's what Chicago's own Roger Ebert said about me: "Sparks recently went on record as saying he is a greater novelist than Cormac McCarthy. This is true in the same sense that I am a better novelist than William Shakespeare. Sparks also said his novels are like Greek Tragedies. This may actually be true. I can't check it out because, tragically, no really bad Greek tragedies have survived ... To be sure, I resent the sacrilege Nicholas Sparks commits by mentioning himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. I would not even allow him to say 'Hello, bookstore? This is Nicholas Sparks. Could you send over the new Cormac McCarthy novel?' He should show respect by ordering anonymously." Pffft. How come you're not making TV appearances anymore, Mr. Typedy-Type? I'd give you a knuckle sandwich if you didn't have to liquefy it first.

Oh, and the Cubs eat ass.

Record: 85-77

1. St. Louis Cardinals - Answer something for me - is Albert Pujols the me of baseball, or am I the Albert Pujols of literature? That's a tough call. Tough call.

Record: 91-71
Loss in NLDS

BASEBALL PREVIEWS: The Central Division of the National League

Hey, kids! Wanna know why there's 6 teams in the NL Central, more than any other division in the major leagues? It's because most of the teams are located in the midwest and parts of the Bible Belt. Those people don't believe in condoms. More offspring, more people. More people, more baseball teams. It's simple math.

1. Babies of Bears

Having already won their first 20 games of the year, the Cubs will be feeling pretty good in late April. Then Milton Bradley will rip a vicious foul line drive into the crowd in Arizona, knocking the eye out of the socket of a 12-year-old girl. With a look of pained immediacy, Bradley will rush into the stands, grab a fan's keys, and re-attach the eye. When the girl passes out, Bradley performs CPR. When she goes into shock he hugs her, calms her, takes off his jersey and engulfs her within its polyester warmth. The D-Backs are so grateful, they forfeit the game. The karma continues and the Cubs roll on, unbeatable, loved, revered. In late July the Pirates take the unprecedented step of lobbying Bud Selig to give the Cubs all their wins on the season. Since Ted Lilly recommended a top-notch cardiologist to the commish, he happily agrees.

Record: 217-13
Lose in Game 7 of the NLCS after lightning hits Alfonso Soriano in the 9th inning (clear skies)

Favorite song: "Un-break My Heart" by Toni Braxton
Favorite movie: The Saw series, Hostel

2. Babies of Drunkards

It's 3 pm on a Friday. Prince Fielder is eating right now. A taco? A burger? A knish? A bowl of rice noodles? A horse? The possibilities are endless. BUT WILL HE EVER STOP?

The answer, sadly, is no. He balloons at an unprecedented rate and soon exceeds 4,000 lbs. Pretty soon Fielder doesn't even have to swing: any pitched ball will ricochet off his flab and out over the fence. Unfortunately he cannot round the bases, and his stunt is outlawed. He soon teams up with an Asian importer to run Prince's Quinces, and within two years the tree is in almost 2 out of every 3 American homes.

But he still won't talk to his dad.

Record: 87-75

Favorite song: "Rock and Roll McDonald's" by the Wesley Willis Fiasco
Favorite movie: Good Burger

3. Babies Who Will Grow Up And Not Make Babies

ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS. ALBERT PUJOLS.

Record: 83-78

Favorite song: "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses
Favorite movie: Sleepers

4. Babies of Communists

On a road trip in late May it's revealed that Homer Bailey isn't real. He's a cyborg built by home-schooled scientists in the Ozarks (hence the hair). I mean, Homer Bailey? Who names a child that? Definitely a cyborg. It all makes sense once you see this picture (scroll down). What you don't see, however, is "Homer" slicing that thing from the jaw to the jibble bits and rummaging around inside, just to see what's in there.

Also, at some point somebody has to see the similarity between Aaron Harang and Lurch. That's when the nickname Aaron "You Rang" Harang will take off. It's so perfect!

Record: 81-81

Favorite song: That one by the Flying Burrito Brothers that goes "Dah-Dah ding da da da barrrrrrump"
Favorite movie: Le Cercle Rouge 2: This Time It's in English

5. Babies of Celestial Beings

Date when the Astros are eliminated from the playoffs: June 27

Date when Roy Oswalt gives up, shoots Wandy Rodriguez with a double-ought shotgun, then borrows a hacksaw from the stadium crew, saws off the barrel, puts the freshly shorn end in his mouth and swallows a shell: August 19

Date when Lance Berman buys an actual puma: April 24

Date when Lance Berman shoots the puma: August 9

Date when Jose Valverde and Carlos Lee eat the puma: August 8

Record: 70-92

Favorite song: The theme song from "3rd Rock From the Sun"
Favorite movie: Plan 9 From Outer Space

6. Babies Who Grow Up to Steal Babies

We've already detailed what will happen to them, so ... please to enjoy.



Record: 0-162

Favorite song: Anything by Conor Oberst
Favorite movie: A live version of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, starring the puppets from Avenue Q and Ron Jeremy

NL Central Preview

(Editor's Note: This brilliant post is crafted by the elegant and insatiable Camp Tiger Claw, a co-author at the brilliant Walk Off Walk.)

Outsourcing is bad for the American working class but it's one of hell of a deal for bloggers, aint it? Case in point: this post. Trying to figure out what's going to happen this year in the NL Central is about as easy as trying to figure out why people watch CBS sitcoms. So if you're one of the squirrelly bastards that runs this website and you can't figure out the division, you just outsource it. You end up looking generous, giving up space on your site, AND you don't have to do the dirty work of trying to figure out which of these teams isn't entirely awful. Luckily I've seen enough of the USA's expansive midsection to know a thing or two about the teams in question. So here I am, here's my story, and here's your 2008 Central. What a country.

Milwaukee Brewers

The team with the best young talent, and the closest proximity to The Life Source (where they make High Life) is always going to get the nod from me. You know about Braun, Hall, Hardy and Fielder, but let me tell you a little something about Manny Parra. Manny Parra secured the fifth starter spot on this team, and I've witnessed his magic.

Early last year I was delivering a bunch of discarded VCRs to a home electronics chop shop in Round Rock, Texas. The entire time I was worried about Smokey getting a whiff of my phony plates (I'd made them on a pirated copy of PrisonShop™). When I pulled into Round Rock I was ready for mucho cerveza and a woman that didn't ask many questions. What I found instead was a fiesta of epic proportions. You see, Young Mr. Parra had just pitched a perfect game for the hometown team, and according to local tradition was carried into the square on the Sherrif's personal donkey. There on the abandoned gallows (that dated back to the last War of Mexican Aggression), over an adoring crowd stood Parra singing the most beautiful version of Hungry Eyes I'd ever heard. Is this kid ready for the big time? I think I just answered that question. Expect big things.

The bullpen could be shaky if Gagne doesn't turn things around (unless you trust Turnbow), and Davy Lopes is a questionable helmsmen. All that being said this is a weak division and youthful mashing and persistence will take the day. Record: 88-74, Out in the NLDS.

Chicago Cubs

You know what's funny about the Cubs? Absolutely nothing. Not sure if you've heard yet, but this is the 100th anniversary of their last World Series title. It will only be mentioned about 70,000 more times this year regarding a 2008 Chicago team that's pretty unexceptional. Kosuke Fukudome had a great first week and may be the brightest spot of the season. I wasn't so sure that would be the case when I picked him up at the airport upon his arrival from Japan.

I was fast asleep on my friend Domingo's kitchen floor after another late night at Marie's Riptide Lounge. Domingo peeked his head into the kitchen disturbing my 100 proof slumber. "Psst. It's the Mayor, he wants to talk to you." With eyes still closed I reached for the cordless phone. Mayor Daley was bellowing on the other end. He seemed out of breath and I could tell he was calling me during his predawn jog. "The chauffeur flaked out on us. I need you to get your ass over to O'Hare and pick up this new Jap outfielder." He hung up without waiting for a response. Pulling on a sweatshirt and a pair of whiskey soaked jeans, I took the keys to Domingo's Camry and sped to pick up Fukudome. He stood outside the American Airlines terminal with his translator, Mr. Satuko. A wordless nod out the windshield indicated that I was their ride. Fukudome sat in the front seat holding a half eaten Cinnabon. The entire way to his hotel he wept and repeated the same Japanese phrase, while over my shoulder Mr. Satuko translated each utterance of "I'm so far from home."

Anyway, there's still too much riding on the arms of Lilly, Hill and Wood for my liking, and their sluggers haven't gotten any younger. Record 84-78

Houston Astros

Let's forget the pretense. Put away your party gown because I'm not dancing. I've got a big problem with the Astros heavy hitting, future All-Star catching prospect, J. R. Towles, and I don't care who knows it.

Listen, Towles. I know you snuck into my uncle's yard and dug into his secret piston box and stole a bunch of pistons for that car you were rebuilding. Those were his pistons. If you want pistons you need to work for them like my great-grandpa did when he came here from Greece. YOU ARE A PISTON STEALING SON OF A FUCK, YOU FUCK.

The Astros finish third because they hit but can't really pitch, while the teams below them can barely hit and barely pitch. Record 80-82

Cincinnati Reds

Toothpicks ready! Gladiators ready! It's year one of Reds fans Quantum Leaping into the bodies of 2003 Cubs Fans. Whee! This reminds me of that time I ran into Reds prospect Jay Bruce with nothing but a tiring literary premise and a nasty headache.

It's 2006 and I'm in an airplane hanger holding a cold steak against a black eye. I never got a clear look at my chicano assailant but to this day I could mark him by the clickity clack of his spurs. The blood from the steak mixed with the pomade in my hair to create an intoxicating gauze clouding my sight. I couldn't summon the guts to stand up, and decided that if i was going to die next to this gasless, 2 seater bush plane, then so be it. I was tired of the road and the government agents. Just then a piercing whistle rained down from above. It was an old lady with steely grey hair and piercing blue eyes. Without a word she lowered a handmade rope constructed out of old purses. The purses were tied together and wound around an elaborate pulley system. They led out a window, but that was as far as I could follow. As soon as I grabbed on she turned and hollered "Verplaats waardeloos mannen" (which I later learned was Dutch for "move you worthless bums"). I was lifted into the rafters and out through the window. Lowered into the bed of a pickup truck i was handed a bowl of chili by a man named Bay Juice. The old woman, looking back from the cab of the truck nodded and said, "You will soon know his given name." I felt safe.

Lots of young upside on this team, but they got the wrong guy runnin' the show. Fourth place in this division is like fifth in any other. Record 79-83

St. Louis Cardinals

All the feel good, first week on a tear, Rick Ankiel mojo aint gonna salvage a team that can't pitch. Just ask my mother:

Honey,

Remember that time when you were twelve and you made that fake mustache, borrowed your fathers sheepskin coat, and held that taxi driver at knifepoint? You got all the way to the border before the pigs put those spikes in the road. When they maced you and pulled you out you kept screaming "Take me to St. Louis, you God denying cocksuckers! I wanna see the Arch! Take me to St. Loooooooouis!!!" I gotta tell you baby, that was really fucking weird and we almost gave you up for adoption. The social workers said at your age it would do more harm then good. They said it would be like putting a ballplayer with a history of mental problems on a team with a recent history of tragedy and no chance of finishing higher than fourth in division. So, we kept you and everything has turned out okay!

Your father left,

Mom

This team has the worst rotation I've ever seen in my entire life as a baseball fan. Record: 71-91

Pittsburgh Pirates

One time I had to stay at a hotel in Pittsburgh.

Record: 68-94

Escape Engine No. 1

(Editor's note:Escape Engine will be a series of baseball features on this site. The first month of the series will focus on bullpens.)

The fast rise and fall of a bullpen is a tragic thing to watch. A month of fantastic pitching could just as easily crumble as continue, as anyone knows, but to predict such a fall is divine. Since sportswriters mention bullpens more than they actually talk about them, I've decided to devote a little time to some contenders' bullpens (with little focus on the closer, since they get enough airtime already). This week I've focused on the Milwaukee Brewers, currently 1/2 game out of being the best team in baseball at 18-10.

(Ed. Note 2: I haven't seen everyone in action, though I watch an inordinate amount of baseball. Feel free to let me know where I am wrong in the comments.)

Milwaukee, Algonquin for "The Good Land" is not really the surprise of the league, per se, with their young talent, but what is surprising is how their pitchers have responded to their close games-- a canker sore for them in the past.

8th and 9th: Derrick Turnbow, once considered a future fantasy stud relinquished the closer job to ineptness. Former fantasy flop Francisco Coredero now makes his bed in the ninth inning after foibling the Rangers hope for an average bullpen last year. The weirdest part about this is the adjustment Turnbow made. With the pressure of the game alleviated, Turnbow has returned to the form that once had Baseball Tonight salivating. He has a 1.80 ERA and 1 save in 10 innings. Not to be exceeded by some upstart, Cordero is 10 saves in early on with a nothing ERA and 19-7 K to BB count. The change of league seems to be doing him well. If history is any indication, however, these two won't hold these numbers. However, the longer they stand together as this kind of force, the less likely those meltdowns are apt to show.

Middle Relief: There hasn't been much need, really, in this young season. After a month, this may be one of the better rested bullpens in the division. Former Dodger Elmer Dessens has been less than fantastic in 11 innings, but the offense has proven prodigious, so his 1.73 WHIP and 4.91 ERA haven't hurt the Brewers all that much yet. Brian Shouse is effective enough (8 IP, 4 BB, 1.38 and a 3.38 ERA) in non-quality at-bats to be a righty with some potential. He's seemingly a one-inning guy. One of the genuinely good pitchers thus far is Matt Wise with an ERA under 3 and 5 holds thus far on the season. He is currently tied for eighth in the league in Holds. If his impressive start continues to hold a bridge to the Turnbow/Cordero regime, this could be a strong bullpen when it counts. Carlos Villenueva has 4 holds and has pitched in upwards of 4 innings in games making him a valuable innings eater on his way to two wins. His ERA (3.18) is low, but his WHIP (1.53) could stand to be a little lower. Some of that WHIP is walks, since batter are hitting .208 against him his last seven games (including the 4-inning game).

Long-term Eye: This is a threatening bullpen. If Dessens can improve, the bridge to the (for now) lights out 8th and 9th guys will be that much better. With a combined talent range like this, I could see the Brewers continuing the hot April they've had of the starters work their magic. The offense will be there, most likely. There are down spots. Is Villenueva this good? The numbers suggest so over the past couple of years with a combined .218 BAA over 70+ innings). How long can Cordero be effective? Is Turnbow still a closer in the making? How long until the last two questions rear their ugly heads?

Fun fact: Did any one of these guys ever get drafted? The entire core of middle relief were undrafted. Doesn't baseball have like sixteen drafts? Wow. Cordero, Villenueva, Shouse? No draft. Maybe this is more common than I realize. Fun facts are usually stupid anyway. Sorry to waste your time.

Projection: This will be one of the best bullpens in the National League when all is said and done. The Brewers are our pick to win the Central, and the playoffs will truly test this group.

MLB Preview: NL Central

We here at the Pretzel Factory are proud to present an absolutely absurd look into our idea of what will happen this year in Major League baseball team by team. They are broken down by division and in the order of predicted finish for your enjoyment. Enjoy your preview of the National League Central, friends!

Milwaukee Brewers:
Like all Milwaukee teams since the early 80s, the 2007 Brewers will be gut-bustingly average until this guy shows up to race as one of the sausages sometime in late July. For a whole week he'll ponder the most difficult choice he's ever encountered in his life: bratwurst, Italian sausage, Polish sausage, hot dog or the newly-roasted chorizo? It won't matter, however, as Prince Fielder will eat them all and grow to a gargantuan 352 lbs. From that point on he'll hit 47 homers and drive in 128 runs. Even better, he'll convince Jeff Suppan (to that point 2-15 with a 6.29 ERA) to quit pitching and instead invest all that unearned money in stem cell research and cloning, so they can grow more Prince Fielders. After beaning Bernie Brewer with a wild warm-up toss and causing him to slide during an opponent's homer, Derrick Turnbow will shave his head in shame and regain his form. Tony Gwynn Jr. will hit .383 and New Era will have to invent a new super-fabric to compensate for Kevin Mench's ever-burgeoning dome. Wins: 89. Playoffs: Eliminated in the NLCS.

Chicago Cubs:
Frustrated with losing yet another ball in either the sun or the swirling winds of Wrigley, Alfonso Soriano will go apeshit crazy in a game against the Diamondbacks. First he'll turn his back during a live play and walk to the wall, where he'll take a huge grumpy on the warning track and smear it all over the Under Armour ads on the doors. With boos reigning down upon him (well, a few cheers - these are drunks we're talking about) he'll smile that megawatt smile and begin grazing on the ivy. After the game, Lou Piniella will go on a Lee Elia-like rant in graceful Spanish, at one point calling Jay Mariotti the "dim-witted, mullet-wearing, fascist cum-dumpster son of Artie Lange and Roseanne Barr who couldn't spell Jim Murray if you spotted him 'Jim' and everything else but the two fucking r's." Not knowing Spanish - or, rather, Spanish not knowing him - Mariotti will later ask his buddie Ozzie Guillen to translate, and Oz will say, simply, "He called you a fag." Despite this, the team will actually mesh fairly well and lead the division in early September ... until calling up Mark Prior. Forced into a spot start against the Reds because Carlos Zambrano sprained an ankle tripping over first while running out a routine grounder, Prior will be cruising when, in the seventh, Kerry Wood begins warming up. Simultaneously their arms will snap, and the sound will be heard by a farmer in Moldova. Wins: 87. No playoffs.

St. Louis Cardinals:
Look, shitbirds, you guys inexplicably won a championship with your worst team of the last four years. Isn't that enough? No? Ok ... Jim Edmonds will make a guest appearance on 24. Jack Bauer will infiltrate a small, ambitious terrorist cell and steal their new prototype biological weapon: a small, Lucite ball with a gelatinous center, which, when dropped or thrown against something, releases a noxious gas that turns every living thing it touches into that gooey mess Stripe turns into at the end of Gremlins. After a tense battle in a second-story office, the Lucite ball will fall out the window, and Bauer will scream for somebody to catch it. Edmonds, as a random stranger on the street, will dive and snag it inches from the ground - even though he was standing directly under it and just happened to be watching it fall the whole time. Tony La Russa will visit Edmonds on set, and after two glasses of pinot noir will pass out in the director's chair, about to say "Action!" Wins: 84. No playoffs.

Houston Astros:
Therapist: So, Brad, tell me what's troubling you.
Brad Lidge: Well, I ... I can't keep it down.
Therapist: Brad, that's really more of a doctor thing. They even say in the commercial, "if symptoms persist for more than four hours, consult a doctor" or something like that.
Brad Lidge: No, no ... my pitches. I leave everything up. In the zone. I get hit harder than Ron Artest's wife.
Therapist: Where do you think this stems from?
Brad Lidge: Umm ... it may have started when I gave up this huge home run to Albert Pujols. It was the ...
Therapist: You know Albert Pujols? I love him! Do you think you could get me his autograph?
Brad Lidge: [sigh]

Later, in the Astros' spring training clubhouse...

Carlos Lee: Hey, choo Brad Leedge?
Brad Lidge: Yeah, Carlos. Nice to meet you. I'm looking forward to playing with you th-
Carlos Lee: Right, right, yeah. Look, man, Carlos s'gon hit some big muddafuckin' homerons, you see? An' I no want choo coughin' that sheet up. Stop being such a puta maricon and fro dat ball by dose muddafuckin' hitters, man.
Wins: 79. No playoffs.

Cincinnati Reds:
After moving to rightfield, Ken Griffey Jr. will once again regain the stroke that made him, for about ten years, the best player on the planet. Then, while spooning some rice pilaf onto his plate in his kitchen at home, his hamstring will explode, his femur will snap in half and he'll tear some ligaments in his (non-spooning) wrist. Meanwhile, Al Gore will harness the awesome wind that is Adam Dunn's constant swing-and-misses and power half of Ohio. The most shocking realization, though, will come in mid-May, when Ryan Freel runs head-first into the outfield wall at the Great American Ball Park. While writhing on the ground in pain, Freel will admit that he's been cheating on Farney with Hufflepants, a four-legged clown with the head of a platypus. After the season Bronson Arroyo will hit #86 on the Billboard charts with his song "I Used to Play for the Red Sox, Remember? A Real Team? Do You Remember That?" Wins: 73. No playoffs.

Pittsburgh Pirates:
When Jason Bay goes down early in June with a season-ending ACL injury, the game young Bucs will fight hard. Hard, I say! Jim Tracy will jumble the lineup around, moving Xavier Nady up to the fifth hole, etc. But nothing will work. Pittsburgh will go on a nineteen-game losing streak and quickly become the joke of baseball (the Royals will be much relieved). Looking for something - anything - to jump-start his club, Dave Littlefield will make a bold move and cut half the roster to sign the stars of Pirates of the Caribbean. At first, the buzz will be overwhelming as even stars who used to play for the team's rival will appear in Pirates garb. Jack Sparrow will prove adept at stealing third and pulling the hidden ball trick. Will Turner, despite looking like a goddamn pansy, will have surprising power to all fields. And Elizabeth Swann is just fuckin' smokin', man. But even though they'll go 7-5 in their short stint, the Major League Baseball Players Association will file a grievance, and Bud Selig will cower to it, as usual. Wins: 68. No playoffs.